Failure to Leave and Cleave – Some Obstacles to a Successful Marriage

The failure to leave and cleave is warned against, right from the pages of the Bible.

This two-fold failure includes some of the greatest obstacles to a successful marriage that a couple can face.

As we consider this idea, we will see three reasons why leaving is beneficial to a marriage, and we will see why the act of cleaving to each other is one of the most important experiences a couple can have.

Happy Husband and wife

Leaving Improves In-Law Relationships

Things are not always what they seem to be.

Two men were standing on the sidewalk when they noticed some unusual activity coming towards them.

They noticed a big black hearse, followed by a man who was walking with a doberman pinscher on a leash. Doberman Pinscher

Then behind the hearse and the man with the dog, there was a single file line of 46 more men.

One of the men said to the other, “I wonder what is going on.”

The second one said, “Well, that’s not too hard to figure out. The body in the hearse is probably the president of a great company.”

“What about the dog?”

“That’s his dog. He loved the dog and wanted it to be honored.”

“And the line of men …?”

“Those were his employees.”

Not quite satisfied, the first man timidly approached the fellow who was leading the dog. He did not want to be disrespectful during the funeral procession.

The man with the dog did not seem to mind at all.

So, he asked, “Was that your boss that passed away?”

“No, that was my mother-in-law.”

“So, is that her dog?”

“No, that’s my dog. You see, he jumped on her and attacked her. Sadly, she didn’t make it.”

“Say …, I’d like to have a dog like that!”

“Get in line, and we’ll discuss your offer.”

Things are not always what they seem.

Many husbands have great mothers-in-law. I certainly do, and my wife had a great relationship with my mother. Our relations with our fathers-in-law were generally very good too.

However, for the relationship to be good, there must be some leaving going on in the marriage. Each member of the young couple have years of respect (or hurt) and dependence (or lack thereof) upon their own parents. When a marriage is formed, a transition needs to take place. They need to transfer that former dependence to each other (or, if there have been hurts, they are not to project them on each other.}

If the parents do want to interfere, the couple needs to take a stand together. Once this change is established in all parties, the basis for a great relationship is in place.

Leaving Gives Your Spouse Security

You spouse needs to feel that he or she can trust you. He or she needs to feel that he or she is number one in your life.

Leaving past relationships behind is very important. If you don’t, jealousy and possessiveness by your wife can set in. The husband can become equally jealous too.

I know of a wife who was (and still is) good friends with a girl that her husband dated before dating the one who is now the wife. If there was not an assurance of the past being put behind all parties, there could certainly be a strain on the present relationships. However, they have been able to put the past behind, and they are all good friends even today.

We are often told, that, based on many surveys of husbands and wives, one of the wife’s greatest needs is security, and that one of the husband’s greatest needs (in many marriages, not all) is that of respect.

So, husband, when your wife feels secure because she knows you have left the old flames behind, you will have part of the makings of a great marriage.

So, wife, when your husband feels like you are his number-one cheerleader, you also have the makings of a great marriage.

Leaving the past behind gives both parties of the marriage security.

Leaving Increases Your Own Hope for a Great Life

When you go into a marriage with dreams and aspirations, that is a good thing. Perhaps not all of those dreams will be realized, but also, in some cases, things may turn out better than one could ask or think.

Past failures can put dampers on dreams. You don’t want past relationships to hinder your ideals either.

Leaving the failures of the past opens new possibilities for the future. Many successful people in life testify to the fact that they had previous failures before hitting it big.

Leaving the past behind, and even mistakes after you are married, is a very productive thing to do.

As you pursue your dreams, and as you achieve them, it is very important to remain humble. Yes, you put the failures of the past behind, but it is best not to forget where you have come from. The true secret of greatness is humble service without thought of reward. As you pursue life together in humble service without thought of any kind of reward, you will experience the joys of success.

Cleaving Is One of the Best Experience You Will Have in Marriage

In the 1970s, I heard Leighton Ford (Brother-in-law to Evangelist Billy Graham) speak on the topic of marriage.

He said, “If you will notice, when there are problems in marriage, they usually show up in at least one of three areas: leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh.”

Cleaving (not a smothering possessiveness) represents the wonderful closeness a husband and wife can achieve.

Physical and spiritual intimacy present joys that are sometimes indescribable.

Summary: Failure to Leave and Cleave – Some Obstacles to a Successful Marriage

So, we have seen that a failure to leave and cleave leads to several obstacles to a successful marriage.

Leaving is very important in that it improves relationships with in-laws, provides security for a spouse and increases hope for a great new life together. Furthermore, failure to cleave together is an obstacle to one of the greatest joys a couple can experience.

If you would like to know about more ways leaving can benefit your marriage, please visit  Amazon.com.

Copyright 2018  Randy Carney

 

 

 

Leave the Past Behind – And Get On With a Great Marriage

What is the greatest thing that can help you withstand the pressures of life? Many who are married would say that having a great marriage helps them stand all kinds of tragedies, setbacks, and pressures. How can you have a great marriage? One of the ways is to leave the past behind. In our thoughts today, we should be encouraged to: leave the past behind – and get on with a great marriage!

Leaving the past behind has many advantages for single folks too, but we will focus on its advantages for married couples in this article.

We will see four ways that a great marriage will help you withstand the pressures of life. Such a great marriage involves leaving the past behind.

The first way will increase your security in life. The second one will increase your confidence. The third one will be a driving force for success, and the fourth one will help you to rise from the ashes in the event that, Heaven forbid, you do crash and burn.

1 Having the Support of Your Mate Gives You a Safe Place to Go to When You Are Feeling Down

“I’m just not sure I can make it. It seems like I have tried everything. How will I go on?”

It is difficult enough when we have feelings like that if we are able to share those feelings with others, but it is extremely difficult to “go it alone.”

It is great when you have a safe place to go. A mate can provide that for you. However, this also requires a matter of trust. When past failures are not brought up, we can go to our partners during discouraging times.

It is very easy to get discouraged. When you get there, a feeling of hopelessness can take its toll on you. At times like that, you need something that will pull you up.

You need a safe place to go when you try to pull yourself out of the doldrums.

Going to your mate in the time of discouragement is very important. One of the reasons why you feel you can do this is because of the trust you have in your spouse. Part of that trust has been earned because of your history with your spouse,

Part of the way you earn that is to realize this is a two-way street. Your spouse also feels that he or she can trust you.

Dave was very discouraged. Just a few months ago, his friends would have thought he was on top of the world. At 26 years old, he had a net worth of a million dollars.

Yet, he was also heavily in debt. He had real estate holdings worth four million dollars. Three million of that, though, was saddled with debt.

One of the banks he dealt with sold out to another. The new bank decided to call the loan. Within a couple of months, another bank also decided to call its loan. So, within a very short time, he went from being on top of the world to being at the bottom of the barrel.

One of the hardest parts of this was the shame he felt like he brought upon his wife.

Would she stick with him? If so, he might make it. If not, he was not sure how he could go on.

2 Having the Admiration of Your Mate Gives You Confidence Above Many Other Encouragements

When I hear Rhonda say, “Randy . . . ,” and she fills in the blanks with something positive, that inspires more than many other things. In fact, when she says something positive like that, it is one of my greatest confidence boosters.”

Confidence is very important. When you have it, you can charge into situations that you have no way of knowing how they will work out.

When you have the admiration of your spouse, you feel like you can tackle things that are beyond you.

It is like having cheerleaders at a sporting event. The cheerleaders help the crowd to show their appreciation for the team.

Cheers often rouse a team. They give them new hope. Sometimes they restore energy.

About seven years ago, I became very discouraged. I was depressed, and I could not even articulate why. I guess I hid it well.

We were not in desperate situations. I was not worried about law enforcement coming to get me or anything like that. On the other hand, we had been married for many years, and, in some ways, it seemed like I did not have much to show for it.

Then I heard about a conference I could attend. I really wanted to go.

It would cost us some money, though, and since I had not been able to articulate why this was really important to me, what would be my wife’s reaction when I brought this up?

Would she bring up the fact that money was somewhat tight?

“What would her reaction be?”

I knew that if she would support me, I might be able to pull out of this depression. I’ll tell you what happened in a minute.

3 Working Toward the Dreams of Your Mate Gives You Ambition Beyond Other Factors

“Let’s go on vacation.” “Let’s get some new furniture.” “Let’s buy a new house.” “Let’s . . . .” You can probably fill in the blank with something that you and your spouse desires. Working toward those goals can increase your ambition in other areas of your life–especially in the area of making more money.

Who do you want to please more than anyone else in the world? If you have a great relationship with your wife or husband, you will want to please her or him. Many times, the idea of being able to provide for dreams of a mate inspires a husband or wife.

One of the great needs many wives have is that of security. When the husband is able to contribute to that security, he is inspired. One of the great needs of many husbands is that of admiration or respect. When a husband provides for his wife, she experiences a great sense of gratitude.

When I did bring up to my wife that I would like to attend that conference about seven years ago, she did not bring up how tight the funds were. She might have mentioned it a little, but she did not dwell on it.

She very wisely just gave me her blessing, and off I went.

I would like to say that our life just turned around dramatically financially that year, but I can’t.

What did happen, though, was that I received hope during that conference. It talked about how I could monetize some skills I already had. Only now, am I really capitalizing on that.

Shortly after that, my day job began to pick up. My renewed hope, lack of depression, and new sense of confidence was recognized by others, and I began to rise through the ranks to a high administrative level. The income did, of course, increase some too.

Now, I am going back to those opportunities that gave that hope, and I am confident that things are just going to continue to improve outside of my “day job.” (Incidentally, I no longer have that day job by my own choice.)

My gratefulness for my wife’s support during my depression and my desire to help her achieve her dreams did, and does, give me an ambition greater than any outside factor.

4 Having the Support of Your Mate Helps You Rebuild Your Life When Failure Does Come

“We are ruined!”

“No, we are not! We’ll find a way.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“What’s done is done. Let’s find a way to rebuild.”

When your mate supports you in a rebuilding process, you do often find a way to make things work. Without the support of your mate, however, you may just languish in self-pity.

Many times, life does not go as expected. In fact, we often find that dreams can be crushed, or that life comes crashing down around us. When that happens, it is important not to give up. It is important to rebuild what fell down.

You may have heard the statement: “When you fall off the horse, get back on and ride it.” In the rebuilding times of life, it is very important that you do not feel all alone. The support of your husband or wife after a great disappointment will help you to rebuild what was lost.

What happened to Dave? His wife stuck with him. He met God. He started learning principles about how to handle money.

Within two years, amazingly, they had paid the three million down to $375,000. One of his creditors, though, was relentless, and the police came to take the furniture out of his house.

So, he and his wife found themselves with an attorney, filing for bankruptcy.

Sharon continued to stick with Dave. They determined to finish paying off their debts. They also determined never to go in debt again.

Finally, they became debt free.

Their friends started asking for financial advice.

They are millionaires again, and Dave now has the number-three talk radio show in America–The Dave Ramsey Show.

Leave the Past Behind and Get on With a Great Marriage

One of the ways your mate can give you a safe place to go during times of discouragement happens when you both leave past failures behind.

Why can you or your mate bolster confidence in the other? Again, in part, it will be because you are hopeful, and you don’t look to the past.

Why does fulfilling your mate’s dream motivate you? it is because you both have something to look forward to.

Why does having the support of your mate help when you are in a rebuilding process? It is because building is so much easier when you don’t have to go it alone. Rebuilding, though, will not likely happen unless you put the past behind you.

So, since we have seen four ways that a great marriage will help us withstand the pressures of life, what should we do?

We should leave the past behind and get on with a great marriage with large hopes for the future.

If you would like to know more about how the principle of leaving will benefit any marriage, check out 21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage.

Copyright 2018 by Randy Carney

 

 

 

 

Leaving and Marriage – Are These Terms Mutually Exclusive

We usually think of marriage as two parties coming together instead of them leaving each other. Leaving and marriage – Are these terms mutually exclusive?

Actually, they are not exclusive. It depends on what “type” of “leaving” you are talking about.

So, obviously, in the case of marriage, we want a couple to stay together. We are speaking not of the parties in the marriage leaving each other (except for a last-resort attempt to save the marriage). Rather, we are talking about them leaving other things in order to come together.

Certain Types of Leaving Are Beneficial

When we talk of leaving the past behind, we can find the great benefits that come from that. When the couple comes together, they will begin to discover many differences. Some of those differences are the result of past experiences, both good and bad. Some of those differences come about just because of influences from parents and past relationships. The husband or wife who has some ideas that he or she has adopted simply because others held them can benefit greatly from becoming his or her own person.

You may have heard of the story of the young wife who was preparing for a family get together. She took a ham and cut the end off of it, and set the cut-off piece aside.

Her husband looked on with admiration and … wonder. His wife continued with the meal.

Finally, he said, “Why did you cut the end of the meat off”?

She said, “I don’t know. My mother always did it that way.”

A few weeks later, she was with her mother, and asked, “Mom, why did you

She cut the end of the ham off

always cut off the end of the ham before you cooked it?”

“It just would not fit in my short pan!”

Sometimes we need to think things through for ourselves.

Here are some things that are good to leave behind when you get married.

Leaving Your Baggage Behind Is Beneficial

We all come into a marriage with a certain amount of “baggage” from our past. These items of baggage can come from past hurts or previous failures.

Some of this baggage can cause us to misunderstand some actions or statements our spouses can make.

It can be helpful to discuss some previous experiences and how they make us feel.

A husband can feel that his wife is really putting him down when she, perhaps, offers some constructive criticism when he is working on projects.

A wife may misunderstand when her husband is just kidding when he makes some remarks about her appearance or clothing. She may have been working hard in her old clothes, and he certainly knows she is not “fixed up.” A careless remark may make her feel very put down also

Leaving Your Past Relationships Behind Is Beneficial

Of course it is important to leave behind any former romantic relationships.

Making comparisons to the former “old flames” can be very damaging. Building up the memory to where the memory is better than the actual past relationship can cause discontentment in the present marriage.

Worse than that is the perception your husband or wife may have of you. You mate may think you are comparing him or her to one of your former possible love interests.

It is important to make sure our mates know they are Number One in our lives.

Another important adjustment comes in relation to the parents of each member of the marriage.

In the past, each person (in the case of a good home life), has been in the habit of relying on his or parents for advice, guidance, direction, and even a certain amount of decision-making.

When married, the couple has to learn to transfer that natural dependence they had on their parents to each other instead.

An Actual Leaving as a Last Resort May Save Your Marriage

So far, the type of “leaving” we have discussed refers to a “mental” leaving.

In very severe cases, where the couple is very close to breaking up, an actual process of leaving may be beneficial.

When a husband threatens to leave, the wife may become very clingy, scared, and desperate. (A man who is very smug and clueless, when his wife threatens to leave can become even worse in the scared, needy and desperate department.) Dr. James Dobson, in his book, Love Must Be Tough, explains why it is important, in many cases, for the rejected party to pull away instead of running toward the offending party.

Man leaving with suitcase

T Dub Jackson in his “Magic of Making Up” program also explains the importance of being strong, and not appearing to be too desperate–even if the offended party is torn up inside.

When the offended party takes steps to be strong, he or she has the advantage of having prepared somewhat if the one who wanted to leave in the first place does indeed leave.

The other advantage this brings, though, is a certain amount of new-found admiration the spouse who threatened to leave. He or she discovers this unexpected admiration when he or she sees the new-found strength of the offended mate.

It is important not to smother the one who threatens to leave with continuous apologies (though one apology in the early stages may be warranted). Sending continuous texts, and other signs of desperation can become annoying and be perceived as “pestering.” The opposite action of silence and pulling away often causes the first party to “think again” about his or her decision to leave.

An actual leaving or “kicking the other one out” may have a jarring effect that will cause the discontented party to come to his or her senses.

Both Versions of “Leaving” Benefit Your Marriage

We have seen that when it comes to the question, “Leaving and marriage–Are these terms mutually exclusive?” the answer is, “No, they are not necessarily exclusive terms.”

In fact, with certain uses of the word “leaving,” the process of leaving can be beneficial to the marriage.

The mental leaving is very important. Leaving your baggage behind and not bringing up your mate’s past over and over is very helpful in a loving relationship.

Likewise, leaving your past relationships behind is essential in any marriage. That does not mean you are no longer friends with previous friends. It does not mean disowning your parents. However, this process does mean that you leave behind those past relationships and that you rely on each other for your current needs.

Actually, in any good marriage, there will be some serious “leaving” going on!

If you would like to learn more about the importance of leaving, check out the first book in my LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage series. The title is 21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage: Why You Should Apply This Shocking Key to Marital Bliss.

I would be interested to know of other ways you can think of where “leaving” can benefit and/or restore a marriage.

–Randy

 

 

 

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