The Real Trick To Keeping Peace in Your Marriage

Keeping Peace in Your Marriage

Let me tell you a quick story about something that happened about two weeks after I got married… and what you can learn from it. It may help you find the real trick to keeping peace in your marriage.

Describing a “Marriage Saver”

A Surfacing Problem

I didn’t notice it much at first, but after brushing my teeth for fourteen days, I realized my wife had a habit of squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle. I always squeezed it from the bottom.

A toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle
We Needed a Marriage Saver

My theory was that you could get more out of the tube by getting it all from the bottom and working your way to the top.

Rhonda evidently was not enlightened.

I told her about my preference, but it didn’t really seem to make much difference.

I also found that she wanted the roll of toilet paper to hang down the front instead of hanging down the back.

I didn’t really care, just as long as the roll was there. So, at least I didn’t compound the problem.

The modern toothpaste manufacturers have helped many marriages because the plastic tube bounces back into shape pretty easily. Not so, when we first got married. The toothpaste tubes back then seemed to be sort of a flexible metallic material that looked like stiff aluminum foil underneath the paint. They just stayed in whatever shapes you left them after the squeeze. I have to admit it really frustrated me.

A Funny Answer for Keeping Peace in Your Marriage

A few years later, one of our cousins got us a Christmas present that was called a “Marriage Saver.”

It looked kind of like a clothespin. You attached it to the bottom of the toothpaste tube, and rolled it up as you continued to use it. I liked it because it was basically following my preference. Rhonda went along with it.

The gift was sort of a joke, but I have surveyed many audiences during marriage seminars, and they seem be about half and half on the preferences of which way you should squeeze the toothpaste tube, or how you position the toilet paper rolls.

A Good Take Away

The thing I really want you to take away from this is: Sometimes we all need to realize that husbands and wives do have different preferences, and they need to work through how they will handle them. Learning to handle these differences can lead to the real trick to keeping peace in your marriage.

However what this means to you in your marriage is we all need to realize that some of our preferences don’t amount to as much as we think they do.

You may have discovered some differences of opinion in your marriage. So here’s your next step as it relates to what I just shared: If you really want harmony in your marriage, buy the book, From Mountains to Molehills, so you can overcome and celebrate your differences in marriage.

If you would like more articles like these on marriage, Click Here.

Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness Review: An Alternative to Marriage Counseling

Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness Program
Fix Your Marriage
Marriage Fitness Review
Fix Your Marriage Now

My Ratings: 9.9 out of 10

Product: Three Options, Audio Files, Tele-Boot Camp, Private Sessions
Price: $69.95 Audio, $179/mo. for 3 months, or $875+ private sesseions
Review Focus: The Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, $179/mo 3 times
 My Rating: 9.9 out of 10

Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness Program – Product Overview

This Marriage Fitness review features Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness Program.

The Tele-Boot camp includes 7 Teleconference calls. These are the heart of the customization of this program to your situation. During each hour-long call Mort conducts an open-mic Q and A teleconference. You can listen for answers if you wish. Better yet, you can ask your own specific questions. If you can’t make the scheduled, you can listen to the recorded sessions.

In addition to the tele-conferences, you will have access to a solutions library of audio files. This is the most comprehensive marriage-crisis audio library in the world. Whatever your problem, the solution is here. Got a question? You’ll find the answer here too. There are 162 audio files searchable by topic. Just click, listen, and you’ll go from confused and frustrated to clear and calm. User feedback indicates that the most compelling and solution-oriented content is here. Many users listen to these audio files multiple times.

Then there is a 15-part audio learning system in a designated sequence rather than wide array of topic in the solutions library. Choose between CDs or instant digital online access. This audio series will answer every question you have about how to transform your marriage. And you’ll get step-by-step instructions on how to turn your marriage around. 

Accompanying the 15-part audio learning system is a 200 page workbook and personal journal.

Further, you receive an autographed copy of Mort’s book, Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building and Maintaining Phenomenal Love.

You will receive 7 key Homework Assignments, an Implementation Schedule, and 5 Marriage Assessments.

All of the materials can be accessed through a special members-only website.

Benefits of Identification

Concerning Your Marriage, Have You Ever Heard or Felt the Following:

  • Have you wondered how you can fix the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” declaration?
  • We’ve tried counseling, but all we do is fight about the past
  • I really wish there was a way to wipe the slate clean
  • We need to find a way to rekindle “Desire” in our marriage
  • My spouse doesn’t trust me anymore. How can I fix that?
  • How do I know if I married the right person
  • How can I get my spouse to change?

Benefits of Practical Solutions

The Marriage Fitness Program has 90% success rate. Instead of spending hours dealing with the past, you will find practical techniques that will bring hope in the following areas:

  • How to increase the effectiveness of your marriage
  • How to forgive and be forgiven
  • How to get over the past
  • How to reconnect with your spouse
  • How to work on your marriage even if your spouse is resistant by using “The Lone Ranger Track”
  • How to ruin their affair if your spouse is involved in one
  • How avoid a separation or stop a divorce
Mort Fertel - Founder of the Marriage Max Marriage Fitness Program
Mort Fertel – Founder of Marriage Max and the Marriage Fitness Program

Pros and Cons

Pros

  • Focuses on Present Solutions, not dwelling on past mistakes
  • Author and wife discovered the techniques while rescuing their own marriage
  • There is a track for one spouse when the other will not participate
  • Except for the one-on-one in-person counseling, the cost is relatively low compare to long periods of traditional counseling
  • Is an alternative to traditional marriage counseling
  • Has three different levels of participation to meet differing budgets
  • Has a 90% success rate

Cons

  • Is not traditional counseling — Some may feel the need for the traditional route
  • The in-person meetings are quite expensive
  • When the other spouse is not on board, the program will likely take longer
  • The least expensive option does not have the interactive features that the recommended option has
  • Those who are not “teachable” are likely to fail because of not giving the techniques a fair chance
  • Not everyone will have the technology to receive the full benefits of the Tele-Boot Camp Option

It’s Conclusive For Me: Marriage Fitness Is an Outstanding Product

I certainly like this product. The principles are common-sense items. The cost is truly low enough that it would be worth the try for anyone who strongly desires improve or restore his or her marriage.

If this sounds appealing to you, I highly recommend you get Mort’s Free Report on 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage, and that you enroll in one of his subsequent programs.

I hope you enjoyed this review, and if you have any questions about The Marriage Fitness Program or want to leave your own personal review, please leave a comment below.

A Quiet Air of Respect

I attended the funeral of Tom Julian this afternoon. He was a man for whom I have a great deal of respect.

Tom and his wife, Wava, were good friends with my parents. They often visited and played games together.

Tom Julian – A Man of Integrity and Respect

That meant that their children and I were good friends too. We played together while our parents were playing games. I remember their oldest son, Danny, had all kinds of cool stuff. He had an erector set and a reel to reel tape recorder (It may not have exclusively been his, but I remember us playing with it.)

Danny and Patty and their younger sister, Kathy were closer in age to me. We remember going on camping trips with our parents. Brian and John came along later, so I did not know them as well.

Kathy remembers liking my comic book collection. She would borrow some and give them back the next time we visited. She especially liked the Archie comics.

I remember Tom being a man of integrity, a good carpenter and woodworker (although his occupation was coal miner). He even made their own pop-up camper. I also, however, remember him as a man who was faithful in church.

I told his older children, whom I knew well because they were closer to my age, “I don’t know if it was his Christianity showing through, or what, but I always thought of him as being a man that displayed a quiet air of respect.” They agreed.

How this relates to my business interests is that displaying respect always pays off. Also, in the series of books I am writing on marriage, I talk about the importance of respect. That will be highlighted in the next book in the series, book 3, which will emphasize the importance of valuing each other.

To see some more marriage resources, click here.

That is a great summary of Tom’s “Life in a Day!”

How to Leave the Past Behind and Experience the Magic of Making Up

Would you like to know how you can stop your breakup, divorce, or lover's rejection...even if your situation seems hopeless? It's like being told not to breather.
How long can you hold your breath?

How long can you hold your breath? Although world records for holding a person’s breath underwater exceed 20 minutes, the average person can hold his or her breath for about two minutes. Navy SEALs report holding their breath for two or three minutes. Those who break the records spend time breathing oxygen before they try to accomplish those amazingly long times of performance. The thing is: you can be told not to breathe, but your body won’t let you do that for very long. If you have experienced a severe breakup or a rift in your relationship with your spouse, you may be told to leave the past behind, but that is like being told not to breathe! How to leave the past behind is all important.

Would you like to know how you can stop your breakup, divorce, or lover’s rejection…even if your situation seems hopeless? T-Dub Jackson tells just how to do that.

When such a situation is not resolved, then one of the parties leaves or sometimes there is a mutual parting of ways. However, after a while, you realize that situation is so much worse than staying together to resolve the conflict.

One of the things that is important in bringing about such a reconciliation is to approach the attempted resolution from a position of strength. You may feel like groveling, promising anything, not considering whether you could keep such a promise. It is important then not to smother your ex, and sniveling weakness will not be attractive.

When you work on yourself and begin to know that you will be able to approach life as a better person, whether the relationship is ever resolved, you become more attractive to your ex. In order to do that, you have to learn how to leave the past behind.

I mentioned T Dub Jackson a minute ago. Check out my review of his product, The Magic of Making Upto find out more about how you can stop your breakup, divorce, or lover’s rejection…even if your situation seems hopeless.

Here are some tips for leaving the past behind:

  • Realize why it is important to leave the past behind
  • Realize that you need to work on yourself, regardless of the circumstances
  • Realize that life will go on
  • Try to remove yourself from emotion and look at things objectively
  • Realize what mistakes you have made and take steps to correct them.

T Dub tells how thousands of people have been able to make such corrections and get back together.

Beside The Magic of Making Up, another resource that may help is 21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage.

To the best of your ability, put the past behind you and move toward a better future.

The Magic of Making Up Review – Tips for a Better Relationship

The Magic of Making Up - The Path to a Restored Relationship

My Ratings: 9.8 out of 10

Product: The Magic of Making UP
Price: $39.99
Product Specifications: Digital Product 62 Page PDF
Price: $39.00
My Rating: 9.8 out of 10

The Magic of Making Up, Product Overview

The Magic of Making Up is a quality 62-page ebook in PDF format filled with content that his helpful for the process of restoring a relationship.

While the subtitle of this post, “Tips for a Better Relationship” is certainly true. The fact is there will be no relationship if you can’t get back with your Ex. Following the principles in “T-Dub’s” book will not only restore your relationship in most cases, but you will come out of the process as a stronger individual.

Benefits of Being Understood

Since you are concerned about the process of making up, many of the following items may be things you identify with.

Do you find yourself involved in the following:

  • Binge eating to bring comfort to your soul
  • Flooding your Ex with calls and texts, maybe even to the point of “terrorizing” them
  • Thinking non-stop about why he or she really left you
  • Endlessly thinking about what you should have said
  • Regardless of your intention, seemingly making your Ex more and more angry and defensive
  • Feeling massively depressed
  • Apologizing profusely for everything and begging to be taken back

Benefits of Hope

The Magic of Making Up brings much hope because within its pages you will learn how to:

  • Get your head on straight by using the Fast Forward Technique
  • Tap into the one-thing men desire most to keep them from being further attracted to someone with whom they may have had an affair
  • Give your wife what she needs most in order to get her back and to keep her from being further attracted to someone with whom she may have had an affair or to someone she may fantasize about having an affair with
  • Know when to apologize, and when not to apologize
  • Start over with a clean slate, and to end up with a stronger relationship than ever before
  • Diffuse arguments before they start and get back together without fear of returning to a former fighting relationship
  • Recapture the romance you had when your love was brand new
The Magic of Making Up - The Path to a Restored Relationship
The Magic of Making Up – The Path to a Restored Relationship

Pros and Cons

Pros

  • Not written by a professional counselor, but by an author with much real-world experience
  • Thousands have been helped by the content within this product
  • Relatively low cost compared to the cost of counseling
  • Follows the techniques of Love Must be Tough put forth by an established family authority
  • You will come out stronger even if the relationship is not restored
  • Does not contain an overwhelming amount of content

Cons

  • Not written by a professional counselor – determine whether this is necessary for you
  • Not everyone will utilize the willpower necessary to pull this off
  • Some slang is not what many would recommend, for instance, slang that actually means “urinate”
  • The authority promotes making up for those who live together without the benefit of marriage
  • Techniques at times may seem too simplistic
  • Some may want more information

It’s Conclusive: The Magic of Making Up Is An Outstanding Product

I certainly like this product. The principles are common-sense items. The cost is truly low enough that it would be worth the try for anyone who strongly desires to get back with his or her Ex spouse or girl friend or boy friend.

If this sounds appealing to you, I highly recommend you pick up your own copy of The Magic of Making Up.

I hope you enjoyed this review, and if you have any questions about The Magic of Making Up or want to leave your own personal review, please leave a comment below.

Regain Trust in Marriage – Overcome Both of Your Fears

Hands Shielding Face

Regain trust in marriage? Can you really do that when you have lost it?Sometimes your or your mate loses trust over a series of disappointments and failed promises. At other times, however, a major event occurs that causes a loss of trust. An affair is extremely difficult to overcome.

Sometimes the offender has a fear the marriage partner can not forgive him or her, and they could never restore the marriage. Likewise, the offended party has fears that the spouse will not really change. Also, the one who needs to forgive may also have a fear of really being able to do that. If there is a real commitment to overcome this loss, you can regain trust in marriage. Overcome both of your fears by summoning the courage to rebuild.

How can you do that? Among other things, you can take four basic actions to regain such a trust.

Forgive

The most important step for both of you will be the step of forgiveness. With an affair, if you were the offended party, this step will be important and difficult. You will have so many emotions running through your mind. You will have a feeling of betrayal. You will feel rejected, and you will probably also feel angry.Forgive each other

If you were the offending party, and you have truly come to your senses, it will be equally important for you to forgive yourself.

While there is no excuse for what you did in violating your marriage vows, your spouse may need some forgiving too.

As time goes on, you will make deposits in the trust bank. Each time you do something trustworthy, you confirm that your spouse’s decision to forgive was the right thing to do.

At first your forgiveness will probably be a sheer act of your will. You may not feel like forgiving all the time, but you will do so because you have decided to do so.

Forgiveness does not mean that you excuse the behavior and sweep the hurt under the rug and just act like the offense never happened. We often talk about “forgive and forget.” If we take God’s act of forgiving as our model, we will see the sense in which He forgets. When God decides to forget, He does not lose the ability to know what happened. Rather, the way he forgets is that he does not hold the past against us. When you forgive your husband or wife, you will still know what happened. The key is not to dwell on the past and not to hold it against your spouse. If there is a new offense, that is what you will deal with. It is very important not to add fuel to the fire by bringing up past similar experiences.

However, to rebuild trust, you will give new conditions based on the past offense.

The first step is to forgive. Then you will begin the process of rebuilding.

Do What You Say

The best way to build or rebuild trust in any situation is to be a man or woman of your word. If you say you will be somewhere at a certain time, be there. If you say you will hold your spouse accountable for meeting certain agreed-upon conditions, make sure you stick to your word. If you decide later that your conditions were unreasonable, explain why you are willing to change them at that later date.

Suppose you say you will be home for supper at a certain time, make sure you actually arrive on time. Every time either of you does
exactly what you promised, you gain or regain trust in your marriage.

Suppose you know you will not make it home when you said you would. How do you handle that? It is very important to let your husband or wife know. It is also very important to do the informing as close to the moment you realize this will happen as you can.

Much distrust and discontent in many marriages could be avoided by simply letting the mate know what is going on. You do need to explain why you will be late (and the reason better be a good, legitimate reason, and something that you could not have easily avoided.)

Committing to this principle may help you see if you have a tendency to overestimate what you can accomplish in a certain amount of time. After you practice this important action for a while, you will be better at making time estimates.

Your spouse will also become more confident you really care about his or her time and feelings. When you rebuild this well enough, it may meet the occasional instance where you may not be able to inform your wonderful mate of your lateness with only a minimal frustration. “I knew something important that you couldn’t avoid came up,” will be music to your ears, coming from your spouse. Then you will truly know you have been successful in rebuilding trust.

First, forgive. Second, become a man or woman of your word.

Practice the Principle of Leaving

The third action you can take to rebuild trust in marriage is to practice the principle of leaving. Here, we are specifically talking about putting things behind you and leaving them there–never (a strong word, huh?) to bring them up against your spouse again.Put the past behind you You, by an act of your will, decide to forgive. Both of you develop track records of keeping your

promises and doing what you say. These track records make it easier for you to rebuild trust in each other. Focusing on the new will be very important. Leaving the past behind will be important There are many ways the principle of leaving will benefit your marriage. You leave these actions that broke your trust behind. Then you will do well to expand that to other areas where you will not bring up your pasts as ammunition to fire shots at each other. You will leave your relationship to your parents behind (and develop new relationships with them as adults to adults.) You will leave former romantic relationships before the marriage. You will leave things that really frustrate your husband or wife. You will leave former disrespect and get on with the new.

You forgive. You keep your word. You leave the past behind and then you make a new commitment or recommitment. What type of commitment is that?

Commit to Overcoming Your Differences

You commit to overcoming your differences. With an affair, you may have quarrelled over your differences in the past. Then one of you may have discovered someone who accepted you as you were. That temporary feeling of relief because of your similarities may have drawn you away from your spouse to the party outside your marriage.Mountain

We often say opposites attract. That is often true with personalities. Why is that? If is often because we see the strength of the other person’s personality type.

Each personality type, however, also has an accompanying weakness. After we marry, we see those weaknesses. Those differences sometimes cause frustration or conflict.

One very popular dating site has had great success because it strives to match the couples because of their similarities.

When you begin the process of rebuilding your marriage, it may seem like you are up against a mountain impossible to scale.

As you commit to overcoming your hurts, you might as well commit to overcoming your differences. In those cases, you realize that one is not better than the other–just different.

You commit to overcome. Sometimes you will take turns doing things together that one of you likes. The other one will try to learn about that activity. Sometimes you will allow the other one to spend time with his or her enjoyment without having to be together (just don’t let the amount of time you do this become excessive). Sometimes you will decide to something according to your husband’s or wife’s preference, even though your preference is different. There should be a balance in deciding to do this.

If you are rebuilding a marriage, commit to proper agreed-upon boundaries. Commit to the conditions for the offending party to be taken back. Commit to standing strong and holding each other accountable. Most of all, though, commit to doing whatever it takes to build a strong marriage.

Now, Start! Regain Trust in Marriage

We have seen four actions you can take to regain trust in marriage: forgiveness, keeping your word, leaving the past behind, and committing to doing whatever it takes to overcome the things that would destroy your marriage. That last action will lead to more actions.

Can you regain trust in marriage? Certainly! And, when you do, you will overcome both your fears.

I am curious: What other tips do you have for rebuilding trust in a relationship?

Tips to regain trust in marriage.

Bible Verse About Leaving Parents – Three Top Tips for a Great Marriage

Bible Verse About Leaving Parents

 

A well-known Bible verse about leaving parents contains three top tips for a great marriage.

Years ago, my wife and I went to hear Dr. Leighton Ford speak. He was an associate evangelist at that time for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. Dr. Ford is also the esteemed Dr. Graham’s brother-in-law.

He mentioned that night, that, if you observe a marriage with problems, you will usually find the problems to be related to one or more of three areas. Then he quoted this verse that is well-known in many Christian circles.

The Verse Itself

This verse is stated both in the Old Testament and the New Testament.

It is first stated very early in biblical history. In fact, it is found in the second chapter of the Bible.

Bible Verse About Leaving ParentsJesus also made reference to it in the first book of the New Testament.

Here is how it is stated in those two instances:

Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (NKJV)

Matthew 19:5, “and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” (NKJV)

Let’s look at those three areas Dr. Ford said were highly important. They actually are more essential than just tips; however, when they are put into practices, you can experience the reason for them being known as the top marriage tips of all time.

Tip # 1 Leaving

The first tip is thatLeaving leaving must take place in a marriage. Specifically, a man is to leave his father and mother, according to this verse, but it is just as important for a wife to leave her father and mother as well.

“What? You want me to Leave? I thought this was a book about marriage, not divorce?” That is a reaction a marriage partner could have upon hearing the title of the book on marriage in the series, The LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage: Six Keys to Marital Bliss. You see, the title of that first book in the series is 21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage: Why You Should Apply This Shocking Key to Marital Bliss.

Now, for the most part, I am not talking about the two parties in the marriage leaving each other.

Rather, they should leave the past behind. They should leave past relationships behind (not completely–they can still have those former friends and good relationships with their parents). They will no longer rely on those past relationships like they did in the past.

They also should leave their baggage behind–those past hurts and failures–both their own and their mate’s.

If the past relationships are not left behind, in-law problems can develop. There can be jealousy of the former relationship. There can be concern about the other partner spending too much time with his or her family.

Tip # 2 Cleaving

Secondly, not only should there be “leaving,” but there should be “cleaving.” Cleaving, in this context, means to “stick like glue.”

Cleaving

It is not to be a smothering possessiveness, but it is a chance to develop a wonderful “closeness.”

Cleaving carries with it the idea of physical intimacy as expressed in the sexual relationship.

Problems can occur in this area, and the couple would do well to seek information that will help them to adjust. For some Christian couples, this is a little difficult to talk about; but, there really are some very good books on this subject that are written from a Christian perspective.

There should be a mutual respect and continued desire to grow close in the marriage. Many men are “pursuers.” In the pre-marriage days, their goal is to pursue they young lady until she agrees to be his wife. Once the marriage happens, he may feel like there is no longer a conquest. He may feel he has “arrived.”

He would do well to continue to study his wife and to pursue and deepen her continued love.

The wife would likewise do well to study her husband. One of his main needs (at least according to many surveys) is for his wife to admire him. She would do well in those cases to be his number one cheerleader.

Tip # 3 Uniting

Unity Candle A part of many wedding ceremonies has the lighting of the unity candle. In fact when I am performing the ceremony, I often enjoy making the statement: “Now, as these two lights become one, may these two lives become one.”

Different couples have their own preferences as to what to do with the first two candles after the third one is lit. I have no problems complying with their preferences because there are aspects of both types of symbolism that are true.

If they prefer to blow out their individual candles, they simply show how committed they are to becoming one in their marriage. If they prefer not to blow out their individual candles, that simply shows that they do not lose their own identities. Regardless of how the candles are handled, the couple will certainly maintain their unique personalities, but they each will also experience the joy of becoming united to the love of their life.

This is the third area where a problem can occur in a marriage.

The couple can grow apart instead of growing closer together. When that happens, many times the marriage heads toward the divorce court.

Conclusion

So, even though this Bible verse contains some very ancient words, it contains some of the greatest truth ever for successful marriages.

To have a great marriage, you need to leave father and mother (and other things from the past).

To have a great marriage, you need to commit to growing closer to your husband or wife. You will experience the joys of physical intimacy, but you will also begin to experience the joys of spiritual intimacy.

Finally, to have a great marriage, you need to commit to facing life with a united front. (Such a united front will be especially important if children come into the marriage.) This really is an extension of “cleaving.”

3 top tips for a great marriage
3 top tips for a great marriage
3 top tips for a great marriage
3 top tips for a great marriage
3 top tips for a great marriage
3 top tips for a great marriage

 

Should I Leave My Marriage?

Should I Leave My Marriage

Should I leave my marriage? That may be a question that weighs heavily on your mind. Maybe you have been in this only for a short time. Think hard about the consequences.

Maybe you have been in the marriage for a long time, and you are weary. Maybe there are some fire works between you and your husband or wife. Think hard about the consequences.

Maybe you have discovered that your marriage is one of “opposites.” Think about what brought you together in the first place, and think long and hard about the consequences or your leaving.

Maybe you have what seem to be really legitimate reasons for leaving. Maybe, in that case, you might want to leave, but you still would want to see if there could be restoration. Even if you are justified, you need to weigh out the consequences of taking such action.

Not If You Have Just Had a Disagreement

Couple with boxing gloves

O.K. Maybe you have had your first really serious fight.

I recently heard of a man who said he got married at 16 years of age. Most of us would consider that quite young.

Within their first year, he and his wife had a fight. It came to the point to where he took her, along with her packed bags, in his truck, back to her parent’s house.

Not long after that, his dad came to see him. “Where’s [the wife’s name]?

“I took here to her parents’ house.”

His dad did not give him a chance to justify his actions and decisions. He just said, “Now, we can do this like this: I can whip you like a father to a son, or I can whip you man-to-man. Or, you can get in your truck and go get her!”

He went and got his wife, and they were married for over 55 years until her death.

Just having a fight or disagreement is not a sufficient reason for leaving your marriage.

In fact, many couples learn how to fight, but to fight fair. They learn how not to damage each other when they have disagreements.

Not If You Have You Haven’t Given It a Fair Shake

Some couples decide to quit too easily. Maybe they are looking for that perfect marriage, where there is never a conflict. I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but I don’t think that perfect marriage exists.

Ready to throw in the towelSometimes in a boxing match, people will refer to a boxer stopping the match by “throwing in the towel.” Many young couples decide to throw in the towel too quickly.

Anything worth having is worth working for–and that is what marriage is, sometimes–work!

Now, have you really given this your best shot?

Have you tried everything you know? Sometimes what happens is that each member of the marriage needs to make some changes, but they are not willing to do so themselves.

So, if you haven’t given your marriage a fair chance, this certainly is not the time to leave.

Not If You Have Differences

Not if you have differencesSurprise! Men and women are different. Some marital adjustments need to be made just because of this basic difference.

Many times opposites attract. See! before we are married, we may be attracted to someone because of the strengths of their personality. If we are quiet and introverted, we may be attracted to those who are louder, talkative, and extroverted.

If we are very impulsive, we may be attracted to someone who is very level-headed.

Actually, there is something to be said for finding a mate who is very similar to yourself in many ways. Some very popular dating sites have a great deal of success by matching people up according to their similar interests and personalities.

Either way, just because you find, or are reminded of, your differences, that is not a reason to leave.

Every personality type has strengths. That is what we are likely attracted to before we marry. But, every personality type also has accompanying weaknesses. Those are often what we did not take into account before marriage.

Understanding each other will go a long way. She does not have to think like I do. My wife also needs to realize I don’t have to think like she does. It is very helpful, though, when we discuss things and begin to understand why each one thinks the way he or she does.

It really is possible to work with these differences. Sometimes the differences seem like mountains, when, really, with the proper perspective, they are just molehills. Perhaps you would want to consider the ideas in From Mountains to Molehills: Overcoming and Celebrating Your Differences in Marriage, which is also available as an ebook.

When Should I Leave?Should I Leave My Marriage?

So, if I can’t leave because of the above reasons when can I leave?

Or, maybe I should ask, “When should I leave?”

In Cases of Abuse, Continued Abuse

I think there are many strong reasons for staying together in a difficult marriage. When I speak of abuse, I am not speaking of minor annoyances. I am speaking of serious problems.

Physical abuse certainly is not something we have to put up with. Maybe, it would not rise, at least at first, to the level of divorce, but we are talking about getting to your own safety. We are also talking about our responsibility to keep our children safe.

I know of one marriage, where the couple realized the husband had a problem where he would get out of control. They decided to live separately–even having a child in this long-term relationship. They were cooperative, but she was kept safe from some of his times when he could not handle the pressures around him. I am not necessarily saying that is what anyone else would want to do, but it seemed to work for them.

While you should do everything you can to stay in your marriage, you also have a right to self-defense.

In Cases of Marital Unfaithfulness on the Part of Your Spouse

When your spouse has been unfaithful and participated in an adulterous relationship, you have the right to leave. That does not mean that you have to do so.

We have talked above about thinking hard about the consequences of our decisions. What would be the result if there was a genuine restoration in your marriage? Would that benefit your children? If the restoration was genuine, it probably would.

Could you rebuild trust and even rebuild feelings of love? I know many couples who have done so. It just depends on what your spouse is willing to do.

Conclusion

There are many times when you should not leave the marriage. Just having an argument is not reason enough. Just wanting to throw in the towel very early in your marriage is not reason enough. Just realizing that you are two very different people, that in itself, is not reason enough.

You should leave, at least temporarily, in times when that is the only thing that will ensure your or your children’s safety.

If your spouse has been unfaithful, you may leave. Maybe you should. Maybe even then you would decide to seek restoration. Only you can decide.

There are other types of leaving that are beneficial to a marriage, but they are not talking about your leaving the marriage altogether. You might want to check out, 21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage: Why You Should Apply this Shocking Key to Marital Bliss. One chapter does talk about when it is appropriate to leave in the sense we have discussed in this article.

What are your thoughts? Do you know of couples who have benefited from a restoration? When do you think abuse might rise to the level of leaving for safety reasons?

 

 

 

 

Failure to Leave and Cleave – Some Obstacles to a Successful Marriage

The failure to leave and cleave is warned against, right from the pages of the Bible.

This two-fold failure includes some of the greatest obstacles to a successful marriage that a couple can face.

As we consider this idea, we will see three reasons why leaving is beneficial to a marriage, and we will see why the act of cleaving to each other is one of the most important experiences a couple can have.

Happy Husband and wife

Leaving Improves In-Law Relationships

Things are not always what they seem to be.

Two men were standing on the sidewalk when they noticed some unusual activity coming towards them.

They noticed a big black hearse, followed by a man who was walking with a doberman pinscher on a leash. Doberman Pinscher

Then behind the hearse and the man with the dog, there was a single file line of 46 more men.

One of the men said to the other, “I wonder what is going on.”

The second one said, “Well, that’s not too hard to figure out. The body in the hearse is probably the president of a great company.”

“What about the dog?”

“That’s his dog. He loved the dog and wanted it to be honored.”

“And the line of men …?”

“Those were his employees.”

Not quite satisfied, the first man timidly approached the fellow who was leading the dog. He did not want to be disrespectful during the funeral procession.

The man with the dog did not seem to mind at all.

So, he asked, “Was that your boss that passed away?”

“No, that was my mother-in-law.”

“So, is that her dog?”

“No, that’s my dog. You see, he jumped on her and attacked her. Sadly, she didn’t make it.”

“Say …, I’d like to have a dog like that!”

“Get in line, and we’ll discuss your offer.”

Things are not always what they seem.

Many husbands have great mothers-in-law. I certainly do, and my wife had a great relationship with my mother. Our relations with our fathers-in-law were generally very good too.

However, for the relationship to be good, there must be some leaving going on in the marriage. Each member of the young couple have years of respect (or hurt) and dependence (or lack thereof) upon their own parents. When a marriage is formed, a transition needs to take place. They need to transfer that former dependence to each other (or, if there have been hurts, they are not to project them on each other.}

If the parents do want to interfere, the couple needs to take a stand together. Once this change is established in all parties, the basis for a great relationship is in place.

Leaving Gives Your Spouse Security

You spouse needs to feel that he or she can trust you. He or she needs to feel that he or she is number one in your life.

Leaving past relationships behind is very important. If you don’t, jealousy and possessiveness by your wife can set in. The husband can become equally jealous too.

I know of a wife who was (and still is) good friends with a girl that her husband dated before dating the one who is now the wife. If there was not an assurance of the past being put behind all parties, there could certainly be a strain on the present relationships. However, they have been able to put the past behind, and they are all good friends even today.

We are often told, that, based on many surveys of husbands and wives, one of the wife’s greatest needs is security, and that one of the husband’s greatest needs (in many marriages, not all) is that of respect.

So, husband, when your wife feels secure because she knows you have left the old flames behind, you will have part of the makings of a great marriage.

So, wife, when your husband feels like you are his number-one cheerleader, you also have the makings of a great marriage.

Leaving the past behind gives both parties of the marriage security.

Leaving Increases Your Own Hope for a Great Life

When you go into a marriage with dreams and aspirations, that is a good thing. Perhaps not all of those dreams will be realized, but also, in some cases, things may turn out better than one could ask or think.

Past failures can put dampers on dreams. You don’t want past relationships to hinder your ideals either.

Leaving the failures of the past opens new possibilities for the future. Many successful people in life testify to the fact that they had previous failures before hitting it big.

Leaving the past behind, and even mistakes after you are married, is a very productive thing to do.

As you pursue your dreams, and as you achieve them, it is very important to remain humble. Yes, you put the failures of the past behind, but it is best not to forget where you have come from. The true secret of greatness is humble service without thought of reward. As you pursue life together in humble service without thought of any kind of reward, you will experience the joys of success.

Cleaving Is One of the Best Experience You Will Have in Marriage

In the 1970s, I heard Leighton Ford (Brother-in-law to Evangelist Billy Graham) speak on the topic of marriage.

He said, “If you will notice, when there are problems in marriage, they usually show up in at least one of three areas: leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh.”

Cleaving (not a smothering possessiveness) represents the wonderful closeness a husband and wife can achieve.

Physical and spiritual intimacy present joys that are sometimes indescribable.

Summary: Failure to Leave and Cleave – Some Obstacles to a Successful Marriage

So, we have seen that a failure to leave and cleave leads to several obstacles to a successful marriage.

Leaving is very important in that it improves relationships with in-laws, provides security for a spouse and increases hope for a great new life together. Furthermore, failure to cleave together is an obstacle to one of the greatest joys a couple can experience.

If you would like to know about more ways leaving can benefit your marriage, please visit  Amazon.com.

Copyright 2018  Randy Carney

 

 

 

Leave the Past Behind – And Get On With a Great Marriage

What is the greatest thing that can help you withstand the pressures of life? Many who are married would say that having a great marriage helps them stand all kinds of tragedies, setbacks, and pressures. How can you have a great marriage? One of the ways is to leave the past behind. In our thoughts today, we should be encouraged to: leave the past behind – and get on with a great marriage!

Leaving the past behind has many advantages for single folks too, but we will focus on its advantages for married couples in this article.

We will see four ways that a great marriage will help you withstand the pressures of life. Such a great marriage involves leaving the past behind.

The first way will increase your security in life. The second one will increase your confidence. The third one will be a driving force for success, and the fourth one will help you to rise from the ashes in the event that, Heaven forbid, you do crash and burn.

1 Having the Support of Your Mate Gives You a Safe Place to Go to When You Are Feeling Down

“I’m just not sure I can make it. It seems like I have tried everything. How will I go on?”

It is difficult enough when we have feelings like that if we are able to share those feelings with others, but it is extremely difficult to “go it alone.”

It is great when you have a safe place to go. A mate can provide that for you. However, this also requires a matter of trust. When past failures are not brought up, we can go to our partners during discouraging times.

It is very easy to get discouraged. When you get there, a feeling of hopelessness can take its toll on you. At times like that, you need something that will pull you up.

You need a safe place to go when you try to pull yourself out of the doldrums.

Going to your mate in the time of discouragement is very important. One of the reasons why you feel you can do this is because of the trust you have in your spouse. Part of that trust has been earned because of your history with your spouse,

Part of the way you earn that is to realize this is a two-way street. Your spouse also feels that he or she can trust you.

Dave was very discouraged. Just a few months ago, his friends would have thought he was on top of the world. At 26 years old, he had a net worth of a million dollars.

Yet, he was also heavily in debt. He had real estate holdings worth four million dollars. Three million of that, though, was saddled with debt.

One of the banks he dealt with sold out to another. The new bank decided to call the loan. Within a couple of months, another bank also decided to call its loan. So, within a very short time, he went from being on top of the world to being at the bottom of the barrel.

One of the hardest parts of this was the shame he felt like he brought upon his wife.

Would she stick with him? If so, he might make it. If not, he was not sure how he could go on.

2 Having the Admiration of Your Mate Gives You Confidence Above Many Other Encouragements

When I hear Rhonda say, “Randy . . . ,” and she fills in the blanks with something positive, that inspires more than many other things. In fact, when she says something positive like that, it is one of my greatest confidence boosters.”

Confidence is very important. When you have it, you can charge into situations that you have no way of knowing how they will work out.

When you have the admiration of your spouse, you feel like you can tackle things that are beyond you.

It is like having cheerleaders at a sporting event. The cheerleaders help the crowd to show their appreciation for the team.

Cheers often rouse a team. They give them new hope. Sometimes they restore energy.

About seven years ago, I became very discouraged. I was depressed, and I could not even articulate why. I guess I hid it well.

We were not in desperate situations. I was not worried about law enforcement coming to get me or anything like that. On the other hand, we had been married for many years, and, in some ways, it seemed like I did not have much to show for it.

Then I heard about a conference I could attend. I really wanted to go.

It would cost us some money, though, and since I had not been able to articulate why this was really important to me, what would be my wife’s reaction when I brought this up?

Would she bring up the fact that money was somewhat tight?

“What would her reaction be?”

I knew that if she would support me, I might be able to pull out of this depression. I’ll tell you what happened in a minute.

3 Working Toward the Dreams of Your Mate Gives You Ambition Beyond Other Factors

“Let’s go on vacation.” “Let’s get some new furniture.” “Let’s buy a new house.” “Let’s . . . .” You can probably fill in the blank with something that you and your spouse desires. Working toward those goals can increase your ambition in other areas of your life–especially in the area of making more money.

Who do you want to please more than anyone else in the world? If you have a great relationship with your wife or husband, you will want to please her or him. Many times, the idea of being able to provide for dreams of a mate inspires a husband or wife.

One of the great needs many wives have is that of security. When the husband is able to contribute to that security, he is inspired. One of the great needs of many husbands is that of admiration or respect. When a husband provides for his wife, she experiences a great sense of gratitude.

When I did bring up to my wife that I would like to attend that conference about seven years ago, she did not bring up how tight the funds were. She might have mentioned it a little, but she did not dwell on it.

She very wisely just gave me her blessing, and off I went.

I would like to say that our life just turned around dramatically financially that year, but I can’t.

What did happen, though, was that I received hope during that conference. It talked about how I could monetize some skills I already had. Only now, am I really capitalizing on that.

Shortly after that, my day job began to pick up. My renewed hope, lack of depression, and new sense of confidence was recognized by others, and I began to rise through the ranks to a high administrative level. The income did, of course, increase some too.

Now, I am going back to those opportunities that gave that hope, and I am confident that things are just going to continue to improve outside of my “day job.” (Incidentally, I no longer have that day job by my own choice.)

My gratefulness for my wife’s support during my depression and my desire to help her achieve her dreams did, and does, give me an ambition greater than any outside factor.

4 Having the Support of Your Mate Helps You Rebuild Your Life When Failure Does Come

“We are ruined!”

“No, we are not! We’ll find a way.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“What’s done is done. Let’s find a way to rebuild.”

When your mate supports you in a rebuilding process, you do often find a way to make things work. Without the support of your mate, however, you may just languish in self-pity.

Many times, life does not go as expected. In fact, we often find that dreams can be crushed, or that life comes crashing down around us. When that happens, it is important not to give up. It is important to rebuild what fell down.

You may have heard the statement: “When you fall off the horse, get back on and ride it.” In the rebuilding times of life, it is very important that you do not feel all alone. The support of your husband or wife after a great disappointment will help you to rebuild what was lost.

What happened to Dave? His wife stuck with him. He met God. He started learning principles about how to handle money.

Within two years, amazingly, they had paid the three million down to $375,000. One of his creditors, though, was relentless, and the police came to take the furniture out of his house.

So, he and his wife found themselves with an attorney, filing for bankruptcy.

Sharon continued to stick with Dave. They determined to finish paying off their debts. They also determined never to go in debt again.

Finally, they became debt free.

Their friends started asking for financial advice.

They are millionaires again, and Dave now has the number-three talk radio show in America–The Dave Ramsey Show.

Leave the Past Behind and Get on With a Great Marriage

One of the ways your mate can give you a safe place to go during times of discouragement happens when you both leave past failures behind.

Why can you or your mate bolster confidence in the other? Again, in part, it will be because you are hopeful, and you don’t look to the past.

Why does fulfilling your mate’s dream motivate you? it is because you both have something to look forward to.

Why does having the support of your mate help when you are in a rebuilding process? It is because building is so much easier when you don’t have to go it alone. Rebuilding, though, will not likely happen unless you put the past behind you.

So, since we have seen four ways that a great marriage will help us withstand the pressures of life, what should we do?

We should leave the past behind and get on with a great marriage with large hopes for the future.

If you would like to know more about how the principle of leaving will benefit any marriage, check out 21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage.

Copyright 2018 by Randy Carney