Listing, Ranking, and Using Your List

Using Your List

Today I’m talking about marriage again. In the first post in this series, I spoke about the benefits of making a list of one another’s needs. The second one talked about troubles that could be avoided by making the list. This blog will be about using your list.

Vlog

What you and your spouse are going to do is make a list of your most important felt needs. Both of you will get value from going through this exercise.

Why Make the List?

Why will this prove valuable?

What's the importance of using your list?
What’s the importance of using your list?

No one wants to have hard conversations. You probably won’t come up with anything that will be really difficult when you do this list although you might. You don’t want to feel selfish when talking about what you need all the time.

So you’re going to go through the exercise of making a list of your ten most important felt needs and ranking those.

In talking about making a list of your needs and ranking them in order of importance to you, you don’t want to appear selfish. That may be a reason why you would never bring some of these things up on your own.

So the process of going through and working with this list will help you to have some conversations that you might not have otherwise.

Getting Started

I’m going to make it easy for you because I’m going to give you a pre-made list. This is a list that has been compiled from information from marriage counselors, pastors, and health professionals.

What I’m going to do is give you a list of categories that they came up with when they did their research. As you look at the categories, you may feel like something that’s not on the list ought to be. Tell your spouse that you think that category ought to be on the list and both of you add that to the bottom of your personal lists. Your mate may feel that something else is missing. Go ahead and add that to your list too.

You’ll end up with a list of 10, 11 or 12 needs that you’re going to rank.

Now when it comes to ranking, there are two ways to do it. I’m going to talk to you first about the one that is the most effective, but more time-consuming. Then I’ll give you another way to do it, which is less time-consuming, but probably not quite as effective, but will still be very good.

The Pre-Made List

_____ Conversation

_____ Affection/Romance

_____ Admiration/Respect

_____ Recreational/Companionship

_____ Attractiveness of Spouse

_____ Financial Support

_____ Sexual Fulfillment

_____ Domestic Support

_____ Family Commitment

_____ Honesty and Openness

First Way to Rank Your List

For the first one, you’re going to compare your ranking of every need that’s on the list with every other need that’s on the list.

The first way you can rank your list.
The first way you can rank your list.

So you’ll take a piece of paper and on the left-hand side at the top of the paper, write one, comma one, and then you’re going to come down in a column. You write one comma two, then on down one comma three, one and four, one and five one and six, one and seven, one and eight, one and nine, and one and 10.

So there you’ll have the first item on the list, compared with the second item on the list, and then you have the first item on the list compared with the third item on the list. Then you have the first item on the list compared with every other item that is on the list.

When it comes to using that, you will look at number one and number two on the list. Which one of those is most important to you? You’re going to have to rank them in order so pick one, then compare one and three; which is more important to you? Circle the one that is more important.

Then you will come down to one and four and decide if one is more important, or four is. Whichever one it is, circle it.

Once you have compared the first need listed with all the other needs, then you’re going to go through the same thing with the second need listed. However, on this column, you will jump over right beside where it says one and three.

The reason for that is you’ve already compared one and two and you don’t need to compare two and two. So you’ll jump down there and beside one and three, now you will have two and three and then move on down the column. You will have 2,4 2,5 2,6 until you get down to two and 10.

More time-consuming, but more accurate results.
More time-consuming, but more accurate results.

Then go through the process again. Compare each couple. There will be a couple of needs that are listed. Pick one and circle it, then go with item number three compared with all the rest of the items.

You will start with three and four.

So on your row there on the top on the left, you will just have one and two. And then you’ll have two and three and so forth coming down that left column on the next column at the very top. You won’t have anything there for one or two. But you will start with two and three coming down. So coming across you have one and three, two and three, and so forth.

Okay, so now you’re coming down so there are fewer items to put in your column because you’ve already compared them previously.

So we come down to comparing three and four. Below that is three and five, three and six, and so forth till you get down to three and 10.

Next, you will come across and you will start with the four and five until you get down to four and 10 and so forth.

You will finally end up with just nine and 10.

Once you have reached the end, you count how many times you circled an item The one that is circled most will be the most important need for you. It will be your number one ranking.

The one that got the next highest number of circles will be your second rank. You can do the third one which would be the third most items that are circled and so forth until you come down ranking from one to 10 with one being the most important because you will have circled that item the most times.

That is one way to rank it and it’s the most effective way to do it because you are making a decision on every comparison.

The Second Way to Rank Your List

Now here’s a quicker way to do it. It is a really good way to do it. It may not be quite as effective but it will probably serve your purpose.

When I do marriage seminars I use this method just because it is easier.

A simple list.
A simple list.

For this one, you’ll take the list and look from one to 10. Whatever one is most important to you, put number one out to the right of it.

Then look through your list again. If you could only choose one item, what would it be? Out to the right of that you put number two.

Just go down through the list doing the same thing until you have your list of needs in the most important order. The needs that are most important to you will be listed from one to 10

When you’re done ranking this way, you will have to look up and down on the right side to find what the number one most important need is and so forth because your numbers will be mixed up there on the side.

If you want to make it really easy, then you can rewrite them in the most important order.

Trade Lists

Having done that, we’ve come to the important part of this. Double-check to make sure that it represents your ranking and, without commenting on it, trade it with your spouse’s list.

Look at the list first without comment. Give it a minute or two until you’ve looked over the whole list. Then you can discuss the list.

Using Your List

Are there any surprises?
Would you have thought that your husband would have ranked something much higher than what he did?
Would you have thought that your wife would have rank something much higher than what she did on the list?
Are there any surprises there?
Are there any immediate ideas?

There could be some real revelations.

One of you may say, “Well, honey, I hadn’t realized that that was so important to you. I know we haven’t spent much time on that. I’m willing for us to spend more time in that area.”

Likewise, your spouse may say the same.

The two of you may decide to come up with some projects or some priorities in your mind. Because what is important is what your husband or wife thinks. It’s not what’s important as to how you think it would be. It is what they feel.

With an understanding of that, you can then meet your husband’s or wife’s needs more easily than you would have been able to otherwise.

I truly hope this is helpful to you. There will be another post in a day or two.

Two books on marriage.
Two books on marriage.

In the meantime, I have two books on marriage currently available on Amazon. The first is “21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage” and the second one is “From Mountains to Molehills“.

In addition, the previous post in this thread, along with the future ones, can all be found right here.

Thank you for reading. I wish you the best in your life and your marriage

Troubles You Will Avoid by Engaging in the List-Building Exercise

The troubles you will avoid by engaging in the list building exercise.

Vlog

Once again, I’m talking about marriage. Here, I’ll discuss another aspect of the idea of building a list that will help you to meet each other’s needs within your marriage.

In the previous blog post, I talked about some benefits that you can get out of that process.

I also want you to realize that this will help you to avoid certain troubles in your marriage.

You Will Avoid Feeling Like Your Mate Does Not Care

One of the first struggles that this will help you to avoid is the often false idea that your mate does not care about you at all.

When you both start working on the list, your spouse will think, “If they’re willing to do this, at least they care enough to get involved in this project.”

When you see that your husband or wife is willing to do the exercise, that will encourage you.

Working together shows you care.
Working together shows you care.

When the two of you see that the other is making an attempt to get the list filled out, you’ll realize that they’re making an attempt to make some sort of a change in your marriage that had not been attempted before.

So just the process of seeing your mate attempting to work on this project along with you shows that you do care about each other.

It will avoid the feeling that your mate does not care about you at all.

You Will Avoid Looking to Someone Else to Meet Your Needs

Then you will avoid the dangerous situation of looking for someone else to fulfill your unmet needs in your life.

When you have certain needs that are unmet, you have an emptiness inside. You are discouraged and others can see that within you. Sometimes, they just want to encourage you but sometimes they will come along and flatter you.

Some couples have the privilege of being able to work with each other, but many go their separate ways in the workforce and spend time around other people.

People generally have things at their jobs that they do well. When others recognize that and give you encouraging words, it helps you to feel better. Everyone can have that emptiness of unmet needs in their lives, so they look for something to come along and help that need to be met.

Flattery can be dangerous.
Flattery can be dangerous.

If someone flatters you it makes you feel good. Now sometimes you’re wise enough to know that it’s just flattery. That’s great if you are.

But if you and your spouse focus on that list of needs that you came up with, it will keep you from looking for someone else to come in and help you meet those unmet needs.

It starts off as discouragement, and when you went to feel better, you’ll start searching for those encouraging, flattering words. If those needs aren’t met by your spouse, then you will start looking to someone else for that.

But if you and your husband or wife are engaged in a project that both of you are working on and giving it an honest attempt, then it will help avoid looking for someone else to come and meet that need.

You Will Avoid Drifting Apart

The third trouble it will help you to avoid is that of just simply drifting apart.

I know of a couple that seemed to be very happy in the early years of their marriage. They had three children and did a good job of raising those children with integrity. They worked in different areas and were good at their jobs.

However, they came to a point where they just drifted apart. While talking with a counselor, he or she said, “I’ve never seen a couple like you. Neither one of you speaks badly of the other one. You just have recognized that you’ve just drifted apart.”

When you are engaged in a project such as the list-building project that I’m going to talk about in the next post, then you are both focusing on something that has the prospect of helping your marriage.

List-building can keep you from drifting apart.
List-building can keep you from drifting apart.

That means that you realize that your spouse does care and your spouse is making an attempt.

That’s encouraging.

It will help you to avoid thinking that your spouse just does not care at all.

Then when both of you are focusing on this and you are both trying, it removes the hopelessness. It will also remove the temptation for you to look for someone else to meet your needs.

Then we have the situation of simply drifting apart. Focusing on a project like this, which will help you discover what your husband’s needs or wife’s needs are and the ranking of those needs will help connect you.

The exercise may give you some surprises. The lists may give you something else to work on in your marriage in an attempt to meet those needs. however large or small.

You will have the benefits of realizing that your mate does care.

It will have the benefit of you not looking somewhere else to get your needs met because you see that your husband or wife is willing to work in that area.

Then the fact that both of you are focused on the same thing causes you to be working together rather than drifting apart.

So those are some of the troubles that you will avoid by going through the list-building process. As I stated in the last post, the list has to do with the felt needs within your life.

I certainly hope this has been helpful to you. If you would like more tips on marriage like these, just click here.

I also have 2 books about marriage on Amazon. The first is “21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage” and the second is “From Mountains to Molehills.” Please check those out.

My 2 current books on marriage.
My 2 current books on marriage.

Looking Ahead

I also have two more books in the works!

One has to do with valuing your spouse and the other is about developing physical and spiritual intimacy in marriage. Another book about meeting each other’s needs in your marriage will come later . These blog posts are a foundation for that one

Until next time, I wish you and your marriage the best.

Benefits of Listing Each Other’s Needs

Benefits of listing each other’s needs.

Vlog

Today I’m talking about marriage. In particular, I’m talking about the topic of meeting each other’s needs.

Here, I’m going to talk about the first of seven steps for helping you to meet each other’s needs.

Your Mate Will Feel Fulfilled

The first step is listing each other’s needs and there will be some benefit to doing that.

One of those benefits is that it will make your mate feel fulfilled.

Knowing what one another needs can lead to fulfillment in your marriage.
Knowing what one another needs can lead to fulfillment in your marriage.

Now, whenever your mate has a sad countenance, that often brings frustration to you and may cause you to be embarrassed and have a certain amount of shame.

Shame is especially hard on husbands. It’s hard on both husbands and wives but some researchers have said that it is especially difficult for husbands to feel ashamed.

The other problem is that whenever your mate does not look happy, there may be others that may step into the situation. You may find out that not only your mate but that may happen in your case too. So we need to be careful of that because that is a very, very dangerous situation.

You Will Feel Fulfilled

Having a clear path can make you feel happier.
Having a clear path can make you feel happier.

The second benefit is that you will feel fulfilled.

The first one is your mate will feel fulfilled because you are taking steps to meet your husband’s or your wife’s needs. When they are also doing that, then it becomes reciprocal and you will feel more fulfilled also.

Being happy is a very good thing.

A Warning

I mentioned how others may creep in when either of you are not having their needs met very well. Someone may come along and ask, “Do you want to talk about it?”

You need to be careful in that situation because that can be very dangerous. Especially if the person who wants to show that sympathy to you wants to step in and maybe meet an unfulfilled need. That’s a very dangerous and vulnerable place for you or your mate to be.

It’s one thing to talk with someone who has a similar situation as you. If you’re a man, you could talk to another man. But even at that you need to be careful about airing your problems with your friends and with others.

Now, it may be that you really do need to talk. You might be better served to talk with a professional counselor or a professional religious worker and for it to all be in the proper setting.

Just be careful. If you don’t look happy, or if your mate doesn’t look happy, someone else may come along.

The Bible speaks of those who creep in to women’s houses and they creep into their minds and their souls.(2 Timothy 3:6) It can also happen by getting into your mind and your soul. This can happen to a woman or a man, so you need to be very careful.

You want to affair-proof your marriage and you want to have a happy marriage.

You Will Be Encouraged by Knowing What to Do

Another benefit of doing this is that you will know what to do.

I mentioned husbands not liking the feel like failures or feel ashamed They need to know what the steps for success are.

I remember a young man who was placed on a basketball team and he was very good. His major contribution was his speed and his quick reflexes. He was very good on defense. It could be between his opponent and the basket. If his opponent was not careful, his quick hands would steal the ball.

fter a while he began to anticipate where they were going to throw the ball and sometimes he could jump in and steal the ball that way. But when it came to offense, he felt very inadequate.

Knowing what is expected makes it so much easier.
Knowing what is expected makes it so much easier.

Then not too late in the season, the coach came up with a series of plays, and they started practicing them. They knew where the ball would start, they knew where it wouoldd be thrown next, when somebody would run from one side of the court to the other, and when somebody would run to a certain position.

He really appreciated those plays, because then he knew what to do.

Well, one of the benefits of listing each other’s needs is that it will give you a step towards knowing what to do to be able to attempt to meet each other’s needs more fully.

The List

As we think about that, we’re going to come up with a premade list of 10 categories of needs. These will be felt needs that have been identified by professional counselors, marriage researchers, and many surveys that have been conducted.

In the next post, I'll give you the list of felt needs.
In the next post, I’ll give you the list of felt needs.

Once you look at that list, you may feel that there’s a felt need that’s not on the list. In that case, you and your mate should just add that to the bottom of the premade list that I will give you. So instead of having 10 categories of needs, you may have 11 or 12.

After listing the needs, I will show you how to rank them.

Hopefully, it will encourage you to know that you are taking a step towards something that you can do that will be beneficial to your marriage.

Now this is for newlyweds or for those who have been married for quite a long time. In the process of doing this exercise, you may discover a few revelations that may just help you to improve your marriage in a way that you did not expect.

Well I hope this has been helpful to you.

I currently have two books on marriage on Amazon. The first is “21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage” and the second is “From Mountains to Molehills

My 2 books on marriage.

Also, if you’d like more tips and advice on marriage, click here to be taken to my blog where you will find more posts like these.

Be sure to check back to find the next blog in this series.

I hope you have a great day!

Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness Review: An Alternative to Marriage Counseling

Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness Program
Fix Your Marriage
Marriage Fitness Review
Fix Your Marriage Now

My Ratings: 9.9 out of 10

Product: Three Options, Audio Files, Tele-Boot Camp, Private Sessions
Price: $69.95 Audio, $179/mo. for 3 months, or $875+ private sesseions
Review Focus: The Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, $179/mo 3 times
 My Rating: 9.9 out of 10

Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness Program – Product Overview

This Marriage Fitness review features Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness Program.

The Tele-Boot camp includes 7 Teleconference calls. These are the heart of the customization of this program to your situation. During each hour-long call Mort conducts an open-mic Q and A teleconference. You can listen for answers if you wish. Better yet, you can ask your own specific questions. If you can’t make the scheduled, you can listen to the recorded sessions.

In addition to the tele-conferences, you will have access to a solutions library of audio files. This is the most comprehensive marriage-crisis audio library in the world. Whatever your problem, the solution is here. Got a question? You’ll find the answer here too. There are 162 audio files searchable by topic. Just click, listen, and you’ll go from confused and frustrated to clear and calm. User feedback indicates that the most compelling and solution-oriented content is here. Many users listen to these audio files multiple times.

Then there is a 15-part audio learning system in a designated sequence rather than wide array of topic in the solutions library. Choose between CDs or instant digital online access. This audio series will answer every question you have about how to transform your marriage. And you’ll get step-by-step instructions on how to turn your marriage around. 

Accompanying the 15-part audio learning system is a 200 page workbook and personal journal.

Further, you receive an autographed copy of Mort’s book, Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building and Maintaining Phenomenal Love.

You will receive 7 key Homework Assignments, an Implementation Schedule, and 5 Marriage Assessments.

All of the materials can be accessed through a special members-only website.

Benefits of Identification

Concerning Your Marriage, Have You Ever Heard or Felt the Following:

  • Have you wondered how you can fix the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” declaration?
  • We’ve tried counseling, but all we do is fight about the past
  • I really wish there was a way to wipe the slate clean
  • We need to find a way to rekindle “Desire” in our marriage
  • My spouse doesn’t trust me anymore. How can I fix that?
  • How do I know if I married the right person
  • How can I get my spouse to change?

Benefits of Practical Solutions

The Marriage Fitness Program has 90% success rate. Instead of spending hours dealing with the past, you will find practical techniques that will bring hope in the following areas:

  • How to increase the effectiveness of your marriage
  • How to forgive and be forgiven
  • How to get over the past
  • How to reconnect with your spouse
  • How to work on your marriage even if your spouse is resistant by using “The Lone Ranger Track”
  • How to ruin their affair if your spouse is involved in one
  • How avoid a separation or stop a divorce
Mort Fertel - Founder of the Marriage Max Marriage Fitness Program
Mort Fertel – Founder of Marriage Max and the Marriage Fitness Program

Pros and Cons

Pros

  • Focuses on Present Solutions, not dwelling on past mistakes
  • Author and wife discovered the techniques while rescuing their own marriage
  • There is a track for one spouse when the other will not participate
  • Except for the one-on-one in-person counseling, the cost is relatively low compare to long periods of traditional counseling
  • Is an alternative to traditional marriage counseling
  • Has three different levels of participation to meet differing budgets
  • Has a 90% success rate

Cons

  • Is not traditional counseling — Some may feel the need for the traditional route
  • The in-person meetings are quite expensive
  • When the other spouse is not on board, the program will likely take longer
  • The least expensive option does not have the interactive features that the recommended option has
  • Those who are not “teachable” are likely to fail because of not giving the techniques a fair chance
  • Not everyone will have the technology to receive the full benefits of the Tele-Boot Camp Option

It’s Conclusive For Me: Marriage Fitness Is an Outstanding Product

I certainly like this product. The principles are common-sense items. The cost is truly low enough that it would be worth the try for anyone who strongly desires improve or restore his or her marriage.

If this sounds appealing to you, I highly recommend you get Mort’s Free Report on 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage, and that you enroll in one of his subsequent programs.

I hope you enjoyed this review, and if you have any questions about The Marriage Fitness Program or want to leave your own personal review, please leave a comment below.

A Quiet Air of Respect

I attended the funeral of Tom Julian this afternoon. He was a man for whom I have a great deal of respect.

Tom and his wife, Wava, were good friends with my parents. They often visited and played games together.

Tom Julian – A Man of Integrity and Respect

That meant that their children and I were good friends too. We played together while our parents were playing games. I remember their oldest son, Danny, had all kinds of cool stuff. He had an erector set and a reel to reel tape recorder (It may not have exclusively been his, but I remember us playing with it.)

Danny and Patty and their younger sister, Kathy were closer in age to me. We remember going on camping trips with our parents. Brian and John came along later, so I did not know them as well.

Kathy remembers liking my comic book collection. She would borrow some and give them back the next time we visited. She especially liked the Archie comics.

I remember Tom being a man of integrity, a good carpenter and woodworker (although his occupation was coal miner). He even made their own pop-up camper. I also, however, remember him as a man who was faithful in church.

I told his older children, whom I knew well because they were closer to my age, “I don’t know if it was his Christianity showing through, or what, but I always thought of him as being a man that displayed a quiet air of respect.” They agreed.

How this relates to my business interests is that displaying respect always pays off. Also, in the series of books I am writing on marriage, I talk about the importance of respect. That will be highlighted in the next book in the series, book 3, which will emphasize the importance of valuing each other.

To see some more marriage resources, click here.

That is a great summary of Tom’s “Life in a Day!”

A Life in the Day

Happy New Year!

The Life of Riley … or, Could it be Randy?

I know. I know. You’re thinking the title is a misprint. It should be “A Day in the LIfe.” Well, that phrase has already been used.

When you think about it, though, time is where our life occurs.

This section will be the blog-like journal for my life. It shows the regular goings on and then I will attempt to show how those happenings relate to my business life too.

As most of you know, my life revolves around writing, speaking, coaching, and bi-vocational ministry. Above all of that in the world of priorities is my family, and, even above that, my relationship with God.

Some of you may be old enough to remember the old sitcom that was titled The Life of Riley, starring Wiliam Bendix. The opening of the show, had a cartoon-like drawing of Riley in his hammock. Maybe I should have a picture of me in my hammock. I do have one.

We live on a farm, and I affectionately call it “The Carney Rezoit.” When people visit, they sometimes comment on how quiet and peaceful it seems. We do have a three-acre pond not far from our front door. My Mom said it was just large enough to be called a lake. The fishermen usually say, “It wouldn’t do for me to live here. I would be out there all the time.” I usually just smile, but inwardly I suspect they would be just like I am. It doesn’t seem like there is time to ‘be out there all the time.’ At least we do get to look at it every time we go out the front door.

Some of you may come to this website because you are interested in writing a book. That is something I can help you with. Others of you may be here because you are interested in speaking and making money in that regard. I can help with that too. Some of you may want to be life coaches or success coaches. I can also point you in that direction. Others of you have indicated interest in having sparkling  marriages. You will find links to resources for that too. Some of you may interested in keeping up with me in general. This is the place where that info will be found.

I am retired, sort of. Hence “The Life of Riley/Randy” reference. Really, I think retirement should just be a synonym for the next stage of ministry in a person’s life. People ask me how I stay busy. I don’t know how I had time to go to work before. I fill in for churches quite a bit, and I am serving as an interim pastor right now.

I just finished the rough draft for a new book that is a collaborative work, which has been a new experience. The three authors are quite busy, and it has been very difficult to coordinate. However, we are pushing toward getting that project finished in just a few months. The other two authors are co-hosts of a popular TV program, and that keeps them hopping.

Since I mentioned marriage above, one of the things that keeps me busy is writing about marriage and pointing others to good resources.

Check out my latest Review of “The Magic of Making up.”

See ya’ later,

Randy

How to Leave the Past Behind and Experience the Magic of Making Up

Would you like to know how you can stop your breakup, divorce, or lover's rejection...even if your situation seems hopeless? It's like being told not to breather.
How long can you hold your breath?

How long can you hold your breath? Although world records for holding a person’s breath underwater exceed 20 minutes, the average person can hold his or her breath for about two minutes. Navy SEALs report holding their breath for two or three minutes. Those who break the records spend time breathing oxygen before they try to accomplish those amazingly long times of performance. The thing is: you can be told not to breathe, but your body won’t let you do that for very long. If you have experienced a severe breakup or a rift in your relationship with your spouse, you may be told to leave the past behind, but that is like being told not to breathe! How to leave the past behind is all important.

Would you like to know how you can stop your breakup, divorce, or lover’s rejection…even if your situation seems hopeless? T-Dub Jackson tells just how to do that.

When such a situation is not resolved, then one of the parties leaves or sometimes there is a mutual parting of ways. However, after a while, you realize that situation is so much worse than staying together to resolve the conflict.

One of the things that is important in bringing about such a reconciliation is to approach the attempted resolution from a position of strength. You may feel like groveling, promising anything, not considering whether you could keep such a promise. It is important then not to smother your ex, and sniveling weakness will not be attractive.

When you work on yourself and begin to know that you will be able to approach life as a better person, whether the relationship is ever resolved, you become more attractive to your ex. In order to do that, you have to learn how to leave the past behind.

I mentioned T Dub Jackson a minute ago. Check out my review of his product, The Magic of Making Upto find out more about how you can stop your breakup, divorce, or lover’s rejection…even if your situation seems hopeless.

Here are some tips for leaving the past behind:

  • Realize why it is important to leave the past behind
  • Realize that you need to work on yourself, regardless of the circumstances
  • Realize that life will go on
  • Try to remove yourself from emotion and look at things objectively
  • Realize what mistakes you have made and take steps to correct them.

T Dub tells how thousands of people have been able to make such corrections and get back together.

Beside The Magic of Making Up, another resource that may help is 21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage.

To the best of your ability, put the past behind you and move toward a better future.

Regain Trust in Marriage – Overcome Both of Your Fears

Hands Shielding Face

Regain trust in marriage? Can you really do that when you have lost it?Sometimes your or your mate loses trust over a series of disappointments and failed promises. At other times, however, a major event occurs that causes a loss of trust. An affair is extremely difficult to overcome.

Sometimes the offender has a fear the marriage partner can not forgive him or her, and they could never restore the marriage. Likewise, the offended party has fears that the spouse will not really change. Also, the one who needs to forgive may also have a fear of really being able to do that. If there is a real commitment to overcome this loss, you can regain trust in marriage. Overcome both of your fears by summoning the courage to rebuild.

How can you do that? Among other things, you can take four basic actions to regain such a trust.

Forgive

The most important step for both of you will be the step of forgiveness. With an affair, if you were the offended party, this step will be important and difficult. You will have so many emotions running through your mind. You will have a feeling of betrayal. You will feel rejected, and you will probably also feel angry.Forgive each other

If you were the offending party, and you have truly come to your senses, it will be equally important for you to forgive yourself.

While there is no excuse for what you did in violating your marriage vows, your spouse may need some forgiving too.

As time goes on, you will make deposits in the trust bank. Each time you do something trustworthy, you confirm that your spouse’s decision to forgive was the right thing to do.

At first your forgiveness will probably be a sheer act of your will. You may not feel like forgiving all the time, but you will do so because you have decided to do so.

Forgiveness does not mean that you excuse the behavior and sweep the hurt under the rug and just act like the offense never happened. We often talk about “forgive and forget.” If we take God’s act of forgiving as our model, we will see the sense in which He forgets. When God decides to forget, He does not lose the ability to know what happened. Rather, the way he forgets is that he does not hold the past against us. When you forgive your husband or wife, you will still know what happened. The key is not to dwell on the past and not to hold it against your spouse. If there is a new offense, that is what you will deal with. It is very important not to add fuel to the fire by bringing up past similar experiences.

However, to rebuild trust, you will give new conditions based on the past offense.

The first step is to forgive. Then you will begin the process of rebuilding.

Do What You Say

The best way to build or rebuild trust in any situation is to be a man or woman of your word. If you say you will be somewhere at a certain time, be there. If you say you will hold your spouse accountable for meeting certain agreed-upon conditions, make sure you stick to your word. If you decide later that your conditions were unreasonable, explain why you are willing to change them at that later date.

Suppose you say you will be home for supper at a certain time, make sure you actually arrive on time. Every time either of you does
exactly what you promised, you gain or regain trust in your marriage.

Suppose you know you will not make it home when you said you would. How do you handle that? It is very important to let your husband or wife know. It is also very important to do the informing as close to the moment you realize this will happen as you can.

Much distrust and discontent in many marriages could be avoided by simply letting the mate know what is going on. You do need to explain why you will be late (and the reason better be a good, legitimate reason, and something that you could not have easily avoided.)

Committing to this principle may help you see if you have a tendency to overestimate what you can accomplish in a certain amount of time. After you practice this important action for a while, you will be better at making time estimates.

Your spouse will also become more confident you really care about his or her time and feelings. When you rebuild this well enough, it may meet the occasional instance where you may not be able to inform your wonderful mate of your lateness with only a minimal frustration. “I knew something important that you couldn’t avoid came up,” will be music to your ears, coming from your spouse. Then you will truly know you have been successful in rebuilding trust.

First, forgive. Second, become a man or woman of your word.

Practice the Principle of Leaving

The third action you can take to rebuild trust in marriage is to practice the principle of leaving. Here, we are specifically talking about putting things behind you and leaving them there–never (a strong word, huh?) to bring them up against your spouse again.Put the past behind you You, by an act of your will, decide to forgive. Both of you develop track records of keeping your

promises and doing what you say. These track records make it easier for you to rebuild trust in each other. Focusing on the new will be very important. Leaving the past behind will be important There are many ways the principle of leaving will benefit your marriage. You leave these actions that broke your trust behind. Then you will do well to expand that to other areas where you will not bring up your pasts as ammunition to fire shots at each other. You will leave your relationship to your parents behind (and develop new relationships with them as adults to adults.) You will leave former romantic relationships before the marriage. You will leave things that really frustrate your husband or wife. You will leave former disrespect and get on with the new.

You forgive. You keep your word. You leave the past behind and then you make a new commitment or recommitment. What type of commitment is that?

Commit to Overcoming Your Differences

You commit to overcoming your differences. With an affair, you may have quarrelled over your differences in the past. Then one of you may have discovered someone who accepted you as you were. That temporary feeling of relief because of your similarities may have drawn you away from your spouse to the party outside your marriage.Mountain

We often say opposites attract. That is often true with personalities. Why is that? If is often because we see the strength of the other person’s personality type.

Each personality type, however, also has an accompanying weakness. After we marry, we see those weaknesses. Those differences sometimes cause frustration or conflict.

One very popular dating site has had great success because it strives to match the couples because of their similarities.

When you begin the process of rebuilding your marriage, it may seem like you are up against a mountain impossible to scale.

As you commit to overcoming your hurts, you might as well commit to overcoming your differences. In those cases, you realize that one is not better than the other–just different.

You commit to overcome. Sometimes you will take turns doing things together that one of you likes. The other one will try to learn about that activity. Sometimes you will allow the other one to spend time with his or her enjoyment without having to be together (just don’t let the amount of time you do this become excessive). Sometimes you will decide to something according to your husband’s or wife’s preference, even though your preference is different. There should be a balance in deciding to do this.

If you are rebuilding a marriage, commit to proper agreed-upon boundaries. Commit to the conditions for the offending party to be taken back. Commit to standing strong and holding each other accountable. Most of all, though, commit to doing whatever it takes to build a strong marriage.

Now, Start! Regain Trust in Marriage

We have seen four actions you can take to regain trust in marriage: forgiveness, keeping your word, leaving the past behind, and committing to doing whatever it takes to overcome the things that would destroy your marriage. That last action will lead to more actions.

Can you regain trust in marriage? Certainly! And, when you do, you will overcome both your fears.

I am curious: What other tips do you have for rebuilding trust in a relationship?

Tips to regain trust in marriage.