Leave the Past Behind – And Get On With a Great Marriage

What is the greatest thing that can help you withstand the pressures of life? Many who are married would say that having a great marriage helps them stand all kinds of tragedies, setbacks, and pressures. How can you have a great marriage? One of the ways is to leave the past behind. In our thoughts today, we should be encouraged to: leave the past behind – and get on with a great marriage!

Leaving the past behind has many advantages for single folks too, but we will focus on its advantages for married couples in this article.

We will see four ways that a great marriage will help you withstand the pressures of life. Such a great marriage involves leaving the past behind.

The first way will increase your security in life. The second one will increase your confidence. The third one will be a driving force for success, and the fourth one will help you to rise from the ashes in the event that, Heaven forbid, you do crash and burn.

1 Having the Support of Your Mate Gives You a Safe Place to Go to When You Are Feeling Down

“I’m just not sure I can make it. It seems like I have tried everything. How will I go on?”

It is difficult enough when we have feelings like that if we are able to share those feelings with others, but it is extremely difficult to “go it alone.”

It is great when you have a safe place to go. A mate can provide that for you. However, this also requires a matter of trust. When past failures are not brought up, we can go to our partners during discouraging times.

It is very easy to get discouraged. When you get there, a feeling of hopelessness can take its toll on you. At times like that, you need something that will pull you up.

You need a safe place to go when you try to pull yourself out of the doldrums.

Going to your mate in the time of discouragement is very important. One of the reasons why you feel you can do this is because of the trust you have in your spouse. Part of that trust has been earned because of your history with your spouse,

Part of the way you earn that is to realize this is a two-way street. Your spouse also feels that he or she can trust you.

Dave was very discouraged. Just a few months ago, his friends would have thought he was on top of the world. At 26 years old, he had a net worth of a million dollars.

Yet, he was also heavily in debt. He had real estate holdings worth four million dollars. Three million of that, though, was saddled with debt.

One of the banks he dealt with sold out to another. The new bank decided to call the loan. Within a couple of months, another bank also decided to call its loan. So, within a very short time, he went from being on top of the world to being at the bottom of the barrel.

One of the hardest parts of this was the shame he felt like he brought upon his wife.

Would she stick with him? If so, he might make it. If not, he was not sure how he could go on.

2 Having the Admiration of Your Mate Gives You Confidence Above Many Other Encouragements

When I hear Rhonda say, “Randy . . . ,” and she fills in the blanks with something positive, that inspires more than many other things. In fact, when she says something positive like that, it is one of my greatest confidence boosters.”

Confidence is very important. When you have it, you can charge into situations that you have no way of knowing how they will work out.

When you have the admiration of your spouse, you feel like you can tackle things that are beyond you.

It is like having cheerleaders at a sporting event. The cheerleaders help the crowd to show their appreciation for the team.

Cheers often rouse a team. They give them new hope. Sometimes they restore energy.

About seven years ago, I became very discouraged. I was depressed, and I could not even articulate why. I guess I hid it well.

We were not in desperate situations. I was not worried about law enforcement coming to get me or anything like that. On the other hand, we had been married for many years, and, in some ways, it seemed like I did not have much to show for it.

Then I heard about a conference I could attend. I really wanted to go.

It would cost us some money, though, and since I had not been able to articulate why this was really important to me, what would be my wife’s reaction when I brought this up?

Would she bring up the fact that money was somewhat tight?

“What would her reaction be?”

I knew that if she would support me, I might be able to pull out of this depression. I’ll tell you what happened in a minute.

3 Working Toward the Dreams of Your Mate Gives You Ambition Beyond Other Factors

“Let’s go on vacation.” “Let’s get some new furniture.” “Let’s buy a new house.” “Let’s . . . .” You can probably fill in the blank with something that you and your spouse desires. Working toward those goals can increase your ambition in other areas of your life–especially in the area of making more money.

Who do you want to please more than anyone else in the world? If you have a great relationship with your wife or husband, you will want to please her or him. Many times, the idea of being able to provide for dreams of a mate inspires a husband or wife.

One of the great needs many wives have is that of security. When the husband is able to contribute to that security, he is inspired. One of the great needs of many husbands is that of admiration or respect. When a husband provides for his wife, she experiences a great sense of gratitude.

When I did bring up to my wife that I would like to attend that conference about seven years ago, she did not bring up how tight the funds were. She might have mentioned it a little, but she did not dwell on it.

She very wisely just gave me her blessing, and off I went.

I would like to say that our life just turned around dramatically financially that year, but I can’t.

What did happen, though, was that I received hope during that conference. It talked about how I could monetize some skills I already had. Only now, am I really capitalizing on that.

Shortly after that, my day job began to pick up. My renewed hope, lack of depression, and new sense of confidence was recognized by others, and I began to rise through the ranks to a high administrative level. The income did, of course, increase some too.

Now, I am going back to those opportunities that gave that hope, and I am confident that things are just going to continue to improve outside of my “day job.” (Incidentally, I no longer have that day job by my own choice.)

My gratefulness for my wife’s support during my depression and my desire to help her achieve her dreams did, and does, give me an ambition greater than any outside factor.

4 Having the Support of Your Mate Helps You Rebuild Your Life When Failure Does Come

“We are ruined!”

“No, we are not! We’ll find a way.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“What’s done is done. Let’s find a way to rebuild.”

When your mate supports you in a rebuilding process, you do often find a way to make things work. Without the support of your mate, however, you may just languish in self-pity.

Many times, life does not go as expected. In fact, we often find that dreams can be crushed, or that life comes crashing down around us. When that happens, it is important not to give up. It is important to rebuild what fell down.

You may have heard the statement: “When you fall off the horse, get back on and ride it.” In the rebuilding times of life, it is very important that you do not feel all alone. The support of your husband or wife after a great disappointment will help you to rebuild what was lost.

What happened to Dave? His wife stuck with him. He met God. He started learning principles about how to handle money.

Within two years, amazingly, they had paid the three million down to $375,000. One of his creditors, though, was relentless, and the police came to take the furniture out of his house.

So, he and his wife found themselves with an attorney, filing for bankruptcy.

Sharon continued to stick with Dave. They determined to finish paying off their debts. They also determined never to go in debt again.

Finally, they became debt free.

Their friends started asking for financial advice.

They are millionaires again, and Dave now has the number-three talk radio show in America–The Dave Ramsey Show.

Leave the Past Behind and Get on With a Great Marriage

One of the ways your mate can give you a safe place to go during times of discouragement happens when you both leave past failures behind.

Why can you or your mate bolster confidence in the other? Again, in part, it will be because you are hopeful, and you don’t look to the past.

Why does fulfilling your mate’s dream motivate you? it is because you both have something to look forward to.

Why does having the support of your mate help when you are in a rebuilding process? It is because building is so much easier when you don’t have to go it alone. Rebuilding, though, will not likely happen unless you put the past behind you.

So, since we have seen four ways that a great marriage will help us withstand the pressures of life, what should we do?

We should leave the past behind and get on with a great marriage with large hopes for the future.

If you would like to know more about how the principle of leaving will benefit any marriage, check out 21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage.

Copyright 2018 by Randy Carney

 

 

 

 

Leaving and Marriage – Are These Terms Mutually Exclusive

We usually think of marriage as two parties coming together instead of them leaving each other. Leaving and marriage – Are these terms mutually exclusive?

Actually, they are not exclusive. It depends on what “type” of “leaving” you are talking about.

So, obviously, in the case of marriage, we want a couple to stay together. We are speaking not of the parties in the marriage leaving each other (except for a last-resort attempt to save the marriage). Rather, we are talking about them leaving other things in order to come together.

Certain Types of Leaving Are Beneficial

When we talk of leaving the past behind, we can find the great benefits that come from that. When the couple comes together, they will begin to discover many differences. Some of those differences are the result of past experiences, both good and bad. Some of those differences come about just because of influences from parents and past relationships. The husband or wife who has some ideas that he or she has adopted simply because others held them can benefit greatly from becoming his or her own person.

You may have heard of the story of the young wife who was preparing for a family get together. She took a ham and cut the end off of it, and set the cut-off piece aside.

Her husband looked on with admiration and … wonder. His wife continued with the meal.

Finally, he said, “Why did you cut the end of the meat off”?

She said, “I don’t know. My mother always did it that way.”

A few weeks later, she was with her mother, and asked, “Mom, why did you always cut off the end of the ham before you cooked it?”

“It just would not fit in my short pan!”

Sometimes we need to think things through for ourselves.

Here are some things that are good to leave behind when you get married.

Leaving Your Baggage Behind Is Beneficial

We all come into a marriage with a certain amount of “baggage” from our past. These items of baggage can come from past hurts or previous failures.

Some of this baggage can cause us to misunderstand some actions or statements our spouses can make.

It can be helpful to discuss some previous experiences and how they make us feel.

A husband can feel that his wife is really putting him down when she, perhaps, offers some constructive criticism when he is working on projects.

A wife may misunderstand when her husband is just kidding when he makes some remarks about her appearance or clothing. She may have been working hard in her old clothes, and he certainly knows she is not “fixed up.” A careless remark may make her feel very put down also

Leaving Your Past Relationships Behind Is Beneficial

Of course it is important to leave behind any former romantic relationships.

Making comparisons to the former “old flames” can be very damaging. Building up the memory to where the memory is better than the actual past relationship can cause discontentment in the present marriage.

Worse than that is the perception your husband or wife may have of you. You mate may think you are comparing him or her to one of your former possible love interests.

It is important to make sure our mates know they are Number One in our lives.

Another important adjustment comes in relation to the parents of each member of the marriage.

In the past, each person (in the case of a good home life), has been in the habit of relying on his or parents for advice, guidance, direction, and even a certain amount of decision-making.

When married, the couple has to learn to transfer that natural dependence they had on their parents to each other instead.

An Actual Leaving as a Last Resort May Save Your Marriage

So far, the type of “leaving” we have discussed refers to a “mental” leaving.

In very severe cases, where the couple is very close to breaking up, an actual process of leaving may be beneficial.

When a husband threatens to leave, the wife may become very clingy, scared, and desperate. (A man who is very smug and clueless, when his wife threatens to leave can become even worse in the scared, needy and desperate department.) Dr. James Dobson, in his book, Love Must Be Tough, explains why it is important, in many cases, for the rejected party to pull away instead of running toward the offending party.

T Dub Jackson in his “Magic of Making Up” program also explains the importance of being strong, and not appearing to be too desperate–even if the offended party is torn up inside.

When the offended party takes steps to be strong, he or she has the advantage of having prepared somewhat if the one who wanted to leave in the first place does indeed leave.

The other advantage this brings, though, is a certain amount of new-found admiration the spouse who threatened to leave. He or she discovers this unexpected admiration when he or she sees the new-found strength of the offended mate.

It is important not to smother the one who threatens to leave with continuous apologies (though one apology in the early stages may be warranted). Sending continuous texts, and other signs of desperation can become annoying and be perceived as “pestering.” The opposite action of silence and pulling away often causes the first party to “think again” about his or her decision to leave.

An actual leaving or “kicking the other one out” may have a jarring effect that will cause the discontented party to come to his or her senses.

Both Versions of “Leaving” Benefit Your Marriage

We have seen that when it comes to the question, “Leaving and marriage–Are these terms mutually exclusive?” the answer is, “No, they are not necessarily exclusive terms.”

In fact, with certain uses of the word “leaving,” the process of leaving can be beneficial to the marriage.

The mental leaving is very important. Leaving your baggage behind and not bringing up your mate’s past over and over is very helpful in a loving relationship.

Likewise, leaving your past relationships behind is essential in any marriage. That does not mean you are no longer friends with previous friends. It does not mean disowning your parents. However, this process does mean that you leave behind those past relationships and that you rely on each other for your current needs.

Actually, in any good marriage, there will be some serious “leaving” going on!

If you would like to learn more about the importance of leaving, check out the first book in my LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage series. The title is 21 Ways the Principle of Leaving Will Benefit Your Marriage: Why You Should Apply This Shocking Key to Marital Bliss.

I would be interested to know of other ways you can think of where “leaving” can benefit and/or restore a marriage.

–Randy

 

 

 

About Randy

Do you know how many people would like to write a book? Are you a person who needs a second job that would allow you to work from home and eventually replace that first job? Writing, speaking, and coaching skills will enable you to do just that.

Do you know that many bivocational ministers work 60 to 70 hours a week? What does that do to their family life? What kinds of struggles do they face for them to be the kinds of examples to others they know they should be?

Further, do you Know that many ministers have given and given over their lifetimes, and when it comes to retirement, they have little to show for the lifetime of labor?

Do you know others in similar professions who could benefit from starting their own businesses–either to supplement their present incomes or to play “Catch-Up” in their retirement years?

This is what I do. I help people improve their lives and their own finances, while at the same time, making a difference in the lives of others.

The Story of My “Double Life”

No, this is not the kind of double life that is often mentioned when someone has a secret part of his or her life. It is not the double life of which one could or should be ashamed.

For most of my life, after college, I have been involved in ministry, and many of the situations were pioneering types of ministries that provided little in the way of financial compensation. Some of them provided adequate compensation, but not extras like savings for retirement. Often I worked another job. Some of them were temporary jobs gained through places like “ManPower,” etc. I worked for Radio Shack, Kinko’s Copies, SAM’s Club, and things like that.

Sometimes, however, the “extra job” would be a full-time Christian type of activity and they paid well, and I still worked for a church as well, either as senior pastor or in another capacity as part of the pastoral staff. For over 25 years, I was involved in Christian education. Part of the work in Christian education gained me the skills to use a computer (just at the time personal computers came on the scene. Then I wrote several textbooks as a staff writer. The most recent of these Christian Ed. experiences was the start-up of a faith-based college. I moved through the ranks from an adjunct professor to department chair, dean of academic affairs, and finally to the position of provost. I attribute that in part to some of the so-called soft skills.

I do have some educational credentials, including a doctorate, where, again, I had to gain writing skills.

All these varied experiences even contribute to my “A.K.A.’s.” I am known as Randy, Pastor Carney, Bro. Randy, and Dr. Carney, depending on the context at the time.

I am just sharing this to let you know that I know the importance of that “second job.”

I am one of those who played “Catch Up,” but we have a paid-for home, and things have been good for us. I am quite excited about using the skills I have gained over these years to produce books, work as a professional speaker, and provide life coaching or success coaching.

Several years ago, my wife encouraged me to write a book on marriage, so now I am involved in producing a six-book series called The LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage.

Collegiate Consulting Service (CCS) focuses on my speaking, writing, and coaching enterprises.

CCS started by helping students, young and old, complete their college degrees by alternative means, while not having to leave their present ministries or job situations. That type of coaching is still available today, but the scope of the business has widened.

Today CCS has evolved into helping others write their own books, develop speaking businesses, and get involved in providing life or success coaching for others. These three skills, writing, speaking, and life coaching, are skills that are already possessed by ministers, and they can be developed by others in many varied fields.

Why I Want To Help Others

I have seen the joy of discovering how to work from home, to set my own schedule, and to replace the income from other types of work.

I especially have a passion to help others in bivocational ministry. I do this by helping them to use online resources to have a great second job that provides income and flexibility. That, in turn, makes it possible to spend more time with their families.

I also know that the online marketing can be learned. I have systems that can help others to produce books–even if they have not previous experience in writing. Even the speaking can be learned by those who have a desire. Then the life or success coaching provides a way to pay our successes forward. So, I also have a passion to help non-ministers also take these steps to supplement and/or replace their “day jobs.”

The Goal of My Site

I help my clients discover which options they should focus on first–whether it be writing, speaking, or coaching. Then we develop a plan to scale all three to a great part-time business which can easily rise to the level of a full-time income. (Except for non-retirement-aged bivocational ministers who wish to keep their primary ministry or church, many of these clients will often replace their “day jobs.” See the definition of the “new bivocational pastor” by clicking here.)

The new bivocational pastor will wish to replace his marketplace job with something that provides more flexibility where he can be free to focus on his primary ministry. The non-minister will also often want to replace his or her marketplace job with something that will provide more flexibility in life as well.

This blog will feature my books, my speaking topics, and my coaching opportunities. But, more important than that, it will also feature information on how you can embark on a similar journey if you desire to make your market-place job one where you can work from home, set your own schedule, and increase your income.

If you ever need a hand or have any questions, feel free to leave them below and I will be more than happy to help you out.

All the best,

Randy

Founder of Collegiate Consulting Service

http://drrandycarney.com/

Welcome to Randy’s Blogs

laptop Writing Tools - Welcome to Randy's Blogs

Welcome to Randy’s Blogs where you will see awesome opportunities in writing, speaking, and coaching!

Afraid you can’t write? Check out Randy’s signature encouragement: How to Write a Book in 28 Days or Less, Without Stressing Yourself to Death.

Afraid you can’t speak? See what Randy learned after his dismal failure of presenting his seventh-grade oral book report.

Have skills that you would like to share with others? You might just be the life coach or success coach who will change a person’s life.

Along with all of this, grab some of Randy’s tips for having a sparklingmarriage, most of which come from his six-book series on The LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage: Six Keys to Marital Bliss.

5 Writing Tips-Three Books

If you are a bi-vocational or retired minister, you likely have all three of these skills for writing, speaking, and life coaching. If you would like to focus your second vocation or continued ministry in this area, this is the place for you.Randy Speaking

However, this opportunity is not limited just to ministers. if you want to develop these skills and scale them to the point of a full-time income, we have the info that can help you get started today.

Putting these skills together to develop an online business is a life changer, and it is something that even beginners in each of these areas can accomplish.

I look forward to spending some time with you, and hearing about your success stories in the days to come.

Learn more.

5 Writing Tips for Beginners (Part 1)

Writing Tips for Coffee Time

5 writing tips for beginners will be featured in this and the next few posts in this blog.

Utilizing these writing tips has helped me to finish three books in the last few years.

5 Writing Tips-Three Books

  1. The first tip will inspire you if you think you are too busy to write a book.
  2. The second tip will give you a great verbal technique to overcome “writer’s block.”
  3. The third tip will build on the second and make things even easier.
  4. The fourth tip will describe an inexpensive tool that will help you reach your word-count goals for your rough draft.
  5. The fifth tip is essential to get your book started.

Today, we are dealing with tip number one of five writing tips for beginners, which is:

  1. Realize the value of five minutes

First Key — Time Management–Realizing the Value of Five Minutes

As we progress though these posts, we will see there are five major tips to being able to get a book done.

The first one deals with a major hurdle we must jump in order to get the book from our heads to paper. This is very important for any project. That simply is the area of what we call “time management.”

Actually, “Time management” is sort of a misnomer. We can’t really manage time.

Time is time. We can’t change it, but we can manage what we do in relation to our time.

Benjamin Franklin said that “time is the stuff of which life is made.” That is very true.

What you can’t put into a time, you cannot put into life.

We all have the same amount of time. We all have 24 hours each day. That figures out to 168 hours per week. That also means that each of us has 1,440 minutes every day. Then we have 10,080 minutes every week.

It is what we do in those minutes that makes the deciding difference in our lives. Will we squander those minutes, or will we use them for something productive?

Here is one secret of using your time in relation to the process of writing: Write in 5-minute segments. How is that a major breakthrough? You can get a tremendous amount done by writing in small segments, such as five-minute segments. You can accomplish such a tremendous amount because you have more than 10,000 minutes every week.

Let’s say you go to the dentist’s office. You could sit there waiting. You could get one of their magazines and try to find something interesting to read. You might even take your own book with you. That would probably be a little more purposeful than just looking at their magazines.

Of, you could have your writing materials with you: maybe a pen and paper, or maybe even your laptop computer.

Maybe you determine to use your waiting time to your best advantage. You have planned your book in five-minute projects. You begin to write. You keep your eye on your watch. After five minutes, no one has called you back yet. You start on the next project. Still, no one has called you back. You even finish it, and you get another five-minute project completed …

More than likely you will not get your book done by just using waiting time, but you could get a lot of it done even then.

Aside from that, you may have to carve out a time. If you work from home, as most of us writers do, you may have to designate a special room for writing. You might have to put a little sign on the door that says, “I’m working.” That will just be a gentle reminder that you should not be disturbed unless the need to talk to you is extremely important.

You also may have to find good times for solitude. You may get up earlier or later than the rest of the family. You might do both—get up a half-hour earlier and go to bed a half-hour later than the rest of the family. If you do that, you would just have to find an extra fifteen to thirty minutes during the day in order to get your rough draft done in less than a month.

An hour-and-a-half a day will allow you to get your first draft done in less than four weeks for most books.

I am just trying to encourage you to understand that you can write a book.

The first tip to getting our books done deals with that major hurdle we must jump in order to get the book from our heads to paper. That key has do with managing our use of time effectively. We call it “time management.”

Go here to get a free report that will further help with time management.

We will look at two more writing tips that involve verbal techniques to get our books rolling. Then we will look at a device that we can use to help us meet our deadlines. Then, finally the fifth tip will deal with perhaps a surprising but major contributor to procrastination.

You can get a free report on Time Management for Writers at http://DrRandyCarney.com The principles for professional speakers who would be writers are completely applicable to all beginning writers.